Marriage

In church yesterday, it was announced that the Rockford Catholic Diocese has dedicated 2011 as Marriage-Building year.  Normally an announcement like that would go on deaf ears for me.  But the timeliness of it, after only finding out a few days before that a friend’s marriage was ending, I listened.  A statement in particular caught my attention.  The statement of how much God loves me that he gave me the love I have in marriage.  No truer of a statement could that be.  Too often you hear of marriages failing.  They hit bumps in the road and just call it quits.  Or they never do get married, because they think they don’t need to.  An easy out.  Marriage is an important sacrament in the Catholic church, but it is important in the secular world too.  The bond and commitment one has with another and to solidify it with marriage is a wonderful thing to do.  My married life has not been all wine and roses, but I can’t imagine my life without Kevin.  We argue and fight over the same things most couples do. But unlike most couples we are dealing with Kevin’s RSD.  That in itself is a huge hurdle.  The Kevin I first met, is not the Kevin today.  He has evolved.  Evolved into one amazingly person.  I can sit and cry about lost times/things.  Or I can look at the gift God gave me.  How blessed I am that I crossed paths that night I met Kevin.  That night changed my life forever.  Kevin might not be able to do the physical things he could do back then, but he does far more for me now then he did then.  I am a better person now because of his struggle with RSD.  He has made me a better person, a better friend, a better mother and a better wife.  I am still a work in progress, but I am on the right track because of my marriage to Kevin.

Regardless of the outcomes of Kevin’s interview with the Chicago Tribune today, or the disability claims he has been fighting for, it is Kevin that I care about.  I want him to succeed, but even if he falls, I will be there to pick him back up.  I want him to be pain free or at least have his pain managed, but if it doesn’t happen, I won’t leave.  God gave me to Kevin and Kevin to me because he loved us so much.  How could I walk away from that?

What a differene a day makes

Yesterday I was all down in the dumps feeling sorry for myself and today I realize despite everything I got going on I am so lucky to have what I have.  I have a beautitful son and a wonderful husband and God.  As long as I have them, there isn't anything I can't do.

Drained

I haven’t posted in a while, because I am exhausted, empty and drained.

So much going on this month.  New added responsibilities at work.  Kevin’s mom unavailable to watch Lincoln while I am at work for two weeks.  Scrambling to get people to help Kevin with that.  Kevin’s dad coming for a few days.  Kevin’s daughter coming for a visit.  Kevin being interviewed by the Chicago Tribune.  Christmas looming.  So much going on.

Today I came to reality that in 30 days we will be saying goodbye to our home.  So I had an anxiety attack about packing, storing, moving etc.  Kevin calmed me down.  But now I am just down. 

Thank you Kevin

There is more to Kevin than RSD.  RSD didn’t make him the person he is today, it has definitely made an impact, but it isn’t what he is all about.  I hate that his RSD overshadows everything else.  He was special before the RSD; the RSD just enhances how amazing he is and can be.  I don’t have any special talents that I know of.  I am not musically inclined.  I can’t write for shit.  My career path is not an exciting one, Staff Accountant at a non-profit.  Oh boy exciting stuff. :) But with Kevin, music and writing just seemed to come easily for him.  He would hear a song and be able to play it within 15 minutes.  He has read so many works; he can quote from all genres.  I can quote Seinfeld episodes and that is about it.  It is sickening how quickly he can master something, like the beautiful chainmail he made for our wedding.  All the things he does, I would be spending every waking hour praising him for it.  It can get tiring to do that. LOL. 

He continues to do all the things he did before the RSD, except for the chainmail, and it is even more amazing because he does it through his pain and suffering.  His music and writing have more depth because of his RSD.  Because he is so talented and does so many things well, it is like olfactory fatigue setting in for me and I forget to praise or acknowledge all that he does.  It doesn’t mean that I don’t realize it and appreciate it.  I just forget or am consumed in something else, work, Lincoln, life in general.  We all need to be reminded to do things now and then.  And I might need to be reminded more than others with everything going on in my life.

I grew up not getting that constant praise, so it is hard for me to dole it out.  It doesn’t come naturally for me.  I did grow up with a lot of love and attention.  So I show my appreciation for things less with words, but more with actions.  Words can get me in trouble.  People misinterpret them at times.  I can have the best intentions and get slammed for saying something.  Facebook has been a killer for me.  So many times I post something so innocent and get blasted for it.  Now I have become a facebook lurker.  I read everyone’s posts and look at pics, but hesitant to say much for fear of repercussions.

I am writing this blog today, because I was reminded that I wasn’t really paying attention to all the things Kevin was doing and has done.  All the little things that are making a difference in his life and so many others.  In this time of Thanksgiving, I am reminded to thank my husband for all he has done for me and our family.  To thank him for continuing the fight even though there are days he is in so much pain he just can’t take it anymore.  I want him to know I do realize and appreciate all he is and does.

Thank you Kevin.  I love you so very much.

Suffering and Love

There was something said in church Sunday that really struck me to the core.  That it was never said that we would be without pain and suffering, only that we would never be without love.  God loved us so much that he sent Jesus to suffer along with us.  Pure unending love.

So I thought about that in regards to my own life and found comfort in that line of reasoning.  We all suffer and have pain, some people more than others.  But we are never without love, whether it be our spouses, our friends, our families, or God.  Through that love, we can push on.

This weekend, I saw that true love that Jesus showed us in Kevin.  He suffered for the sake of giving me some alone time, by walking over to the neighbors with Lincoln and hung out with them.  I am not saying spending time with the neighbors is suffering in anyway.  They are amazing, wonderful people, but that he gave up the comfort of his home (well as comfortable as it can be considering his condition) to give me time alone at home.  Then Saturday night he went with his brother and his brother’s girlfriend to a bar to watch UFC.  Again, spending time with his brother and his brother’s girlfriend is not suffering, but sitting on a hard wood stool for 3 hrs is, especially when you have RSD.  Kevin really paid the price for all of that on Sunday.  He was miserable.  Kills me to see him like that and not be able to do anything.

Anyway, the sermon at church was very timely for me about suffering and love, because I needed a smack in the face.  Saturday night, the ugly green monster came out of me.  I was home with Lincoln while Kevin was out watching UFC.  I love UFC, it was always something Kevin and I watched together.  And I am sitting there feeling sorry for myself and jealous that I didn’t get to go too.  Then getting upset knowing that Kevin would wear himself out and be in so much pain the next day.  Wishing Kevin could do more things with me.  Being selfish, wanting Kevin to myself.  Not wanting him to wear himself out with everyone else.  Then I got upset with myself for thinking that way at all.  Just a vicious circle.

So hearing those words in church made me realize some things in myself and in my life.  I am not lacking in love and no matter what happens in my life, love is always there.  What a comforting thought.  Makes me smile.

The New Poor

I just love applying for financial assistance.  Always a pleasant experience to see in black and white how bad off you are.  Not!!!  I spent the morning filling out forms once again trying to prove our financial need for assistance. This time for a grant through the American Legion that Kevin’s contact at the VFW told us about.  It is so frustrating to fill this stuff out, knowing you probably won’t qualify.  They take your GROSS income not your NET.  So apparently the taxes and medical insurance premiums that come out of my check somehow are available to me to buy groceries and pay bills every month.  How do you figure that?  And when recording expenses, you can only include monthly recurring ones. So this does not include our $6000 family medical insurance deductible that basically makes us have to pay out of pocket 100% for all doctor’s visits, and because we don’t go to the doctor monthly, not considered “recurring”.  You are only supposed to include food as a monthly expense, not toiletries, personal care items or diapers or laundry and cleaning supplies.  The only utilities they count are gas, water and electric.  No phone, internet and God forbid cable.  Car payments are also not considered into the figuring for most assistance programs like WIC or Food Stamps.

So we are the new poor.  Make too much to qualify for assistance and don’t make enough to live on our own.  Hence come January 1^st we have to give up our apartment and move in with Kevin’s mom.  I am grateful we have a place to go, but frustrated and sad that it has to come to that.

Flashback

Here we are again, coming on to the holidays and I am flashing back to the depression of last year when Kevin was mentally breaking down from the pain, not knowing what was going on fully or what was going to happen to him or us.  Holidays are stressful as it is, add an illness into the mix that baffles everyone including doctors and you are in for a hum dinger of a stressful ride into depression.

Kevin had a very intense pain day yesterday.  So much so that it affected his cognitive functioning.  He had no memory of the last days or weeks.  Was disconnected, agitated, scared and depressed.  I hadn’t seen that scared look in his eyes since last year at this time when we were dealing with the North Chicago VA and feeling helpless.  So I flashed back and started tearing up.  For my own sanity, I blocked those events of last year from my mind.  Seeing him in the state he was in yesterday brought it all back to the surface.  Of course I don’t remember any of the good times of last year’s holidays.  That is all a complete blank.  I do remember however, Kevin’s pain, tears, fears and depression.  We didn’t know what to do, where to turn, who was going to help, or if anything was going to help.

When Kevin got his nerve stimulator implant in March things were looking up.  Finally we had a solution.  But it was short lived, two months later, he was right back to where he was before.  The doctors basically said there is nothing more they can do and just prescribe more narcotics for the pain.  Now they want him to try Lyrica.  We have all seen the commercials on TV for it and all the side effects.  I have read on line too, how it makes it difficult to walk and concentrate.  A feeling of being stoned.  It is like they are drugging him so much that he will be so out of it he won’t realize he is in pain.

I don’t want a drugged out Kevin,.  I know he doesn’t want that either.  He would lose his ability to play music, write, read, game, and just simply interact normally with people.  But what is the alternative, having so much pain, that it affects your cognitive functioning?  So again, we have come full circle of where we were at last year at this time.  Kevin is so much pain and we don’t know what to do, where to turn and who or what is going to help.

Support Group

I have never been much of a support group type person, then again my only experience with them have been weight loss groups.  I just assumed support groups were just a group of people bitching and complaining about what they no longer have and what a struggle it is for them. 

When Kevin's RSD hit in September 2009, I was doing all kinds of research I could to find out about the disease.  Then the holidays were coming and the stress and depression for both of us settled in.  I sought out support and found a support group based out of Alexian Brothers Hospital in Elk Grove Village.  I was very familiar with the hospital as my sister works there.  So because I was familiar, I was comfortable in going there for a support group.  I had been chatting via email with the groups founder, Edwina Schaeffer and without ever knowing what she looked like, as soon as I walked in the meeting, I know who was Edwina.  She has this pure sweetness about her.  Kind, giving.  She suffers from RSD as well.  Her husband, Bob was there too and everyone attending introduced themselves to me.  They were thrilled that a family member of an RSD sufferer came out to learn more.  They are all amazing people and because of them I came home with hope.  RSD wasn't the end of road, just a turn in our journey of life. 

It is amazing how a group that is meant to support the people with RSD, provided me support as one who is living with, loving and caring for someone with RSD.  When you as so close to the person suffering, it is hard to see outside of your little world.  Through the support group I see the other faces of RSD.  I hear how they live with it, how they manage it and how their families deal with it all.  Unfortunately for some, their RSD proved to be the breaking point in their relationships.  Some divorced, some just deal with no support from spouses, children, friends or family.  One person said 10 years ago he was on the verge of suicide and found this support group and it saved his life.  He realized he wasn't alone anymore.  He never misses a meeting.  I met a woman yesterday that commended me for supporting Kevin, because her husband and own children don't support her.  Her niece was there as her support.  Some people just can't grasp or deal with a loved one suffering.  And they push that loved one away.  Close themselves off to them.  Maybe to protect themselves.  But by doing that, they miss out on the blessings it can provide.  They miss out on how it challenges you.  How it can bring you closer.

So for all you nay sayers out there about support groups, give them a shot.  You never know what you will get out of it until you check it out for yourself.

Self Pity

Reading through my blogs I noticed a trend, me feeling sorry for myself.  My husband reminded me of a poem once called “Self Pity” by DH Lawrence.  “I never saw a wild thing sorry for itself.  A small bird will drop frozen dead from a bough without ever having felt sorry for itself.”

I complained about being “caught in the middle”, but I was the one putting myself there.  I was trying to “keep the peace” in a war that didn’t exist.  My lack of understanding of other people’s relationships, caused me to try and “fix things”.  I realized, I am part of the problem.  I need to listen more and talk less.  I need to accept things and not change them.

Me crying, worrying, stressing, complaining about all that is going on in my life, isn’t doing any good.  It is making the situation worse.

Some days, weeks, even months, it seems I dwell on all the negative and not any of the positive.  Negativity is a virus.  It just spreads.  But positivity can spread too.  Why would I choose the negative over the positive?  It doesn’t make me feel better.  Makes me feel worse.  Why would I want to feel worse?  What will come of it?  What am I expecting to happen by being negative? 

I say that I am pulling away from people and feel alone because I don’t want to be the downer.  That if I tell them what is going on in my life that it would make them pity me, so I don’t I don’t say anything at all.  And that because I don’t say anything I don’t get any empathy.  What the hell.  I need to get over myself.  I chose to dwell on the negative.  If I would think of only the positive in my life, I would have all kinds of things to tell people.  And I do have a lot of positive in my life.  I wouldn’t feel alone.  I say that some people pull away from me because they can’t handle what is going on in my life.  They can’t “deal with it”.   I don’t want to “deal with it” sometimes, why would I think anyone else would.  Why would I even bring up all the bad?  Well to get a full picture of my life, I kind of have to.  Vows read at weddings can be used in all my relationships…in good times and in bad, in sickness and in health, for richer or poorer.  I was discrediting my friends and family, deciding for them what they can and cannot handle in my life.  Picking and choosing what to tell them, to save them the grief.  That wasn’t fair to them or me.

Empathy

Empathy is an interesting word.  “Put yourself in someone else’s shoes”.  I try to do that all the time.  I wonder if anyone is ever empathetic to me.  Put themselves in my shoes.  I don’t have a disease.  I am healthy as far as I know.  I don’t have pain other than an occasional migraine or the tendonitis in my shoulder acting up.  So because they see me as perfectly fine, I don’t need empathy?  I am not talking pity.  No one wants to be pitied.  I am talking about an understanding of what I might be going through.  To stop and think that maybe there is more going on than meets the eye.  So if someone doesn’t complain and moan about their lives, no one will ever show them empathy?  If they aren’t sick, they don’t need empathy?  Do I even deserve empathy because I don’t suffer?  I try to be a strong person.  I don’t like to complain.  I don’t like people knowing all my business.  So because of that, when I am overwhelmed and overloaded, I feel all alone.  I sit at work crying in my office and no one really knows what is going on.  It is work, trying to be professional.  I don’t want to bother my friends with all my shit, because I don’t want to be a downer or a burden,  Not mention I don’t want to dwell on the bad and negative either.  I don’t let my husband know all that races through my mind either, because how can what I am going through compare to what he is with his RSD.

So today when I am dealing with my mom being put into a nursing home, I am getting hit with phone calls from Kevin and his mom, both telling me that each other should show compassion for what they are going through.  And I sit here thinking what about me.  So I listen and try to understand and try to be the mediator and all it does is upset them more.  “Caught in the middle” so to speak.  I am left to just worry.  Worry about my son who is also caught in the middle of it all.  And stuck at work helpless.

Well I did get empathy, but not from whom I was expecting, but from someone who just happened to have the misfortune to email me when all this shit was going on. LOL This person is no stranger to RSD.  She just so happens to be the founder of the RSD Support group in Illinois.  Having RSD, she knows first hand what family members deal with, struggle with and stress about.  She listened, showed empathy and told me how proud she was of me for how well I am handling all I am dealing with right now.  So thank you Edwina. 

God only gives us what we can handle.....

As they say, God only gives us what we can handle.  Does God think I am superhuman?

It isn’t enough that my husband is disabled from chronic pain.  It isn’t enough that we are losing our home because Social Security and the VA denied Kevin his disability benefits.  It isn’t enough that I have to deal with the usual work bullshit.  Now my mom is in the hospital too.  And they don’t know what is wrong with her.  I know my mom can’t be around forever, but it doesn’t make it any easier to deal with that fact.

I feel helpless and out of control.  I guess that is God’s point to prove.  That I am not in control of my life, he is.

Some days it is easier to handle all the shit that is thrown my way and some days it isn’t.  Today is one of those days it isn’t.

Emotional Intelligence

My company has these “lunch and learn” things that are provided by ComPsych Guidance Resources.  Yesterday I attended one on Emotional Intelligence.  The “target” audience was anyone interested in improving self-awareness, emotional control and ability to relate to others.  Well I knew I needed help in the emotional control department so I decided to attend.  Found out I need help in all the areas.  I am not at the top of the curve on emotional intelligence, but I am not at the bottom either.  I am kind of in the middle.  

Someone with high emotional intelligence is self aware and self confident.  Has self control, adaptable to change, achievement oriented, optimistic.  Someone with emotional intelligence is empathic, can manage conflicts is influential and inspirational.  Can collaborate and is concerned with developing others. 

One of the components of self awareness is being emotionally transparent.  I have always prided myself on being transparent, “what you see is what you get”.  But to me that “what you see is what you get” meant I had a cop out to never improve myself.  We are all works in progress.  And just when you think you got it all together, something comes your way that changes up your game plan.  I believe those things that come our way to change our “game plan” are there for a reason, to show us that we didn’t have it all together like we thought we did and we need to work on ourselves.  How well we adapt to those changes shows how emotionally intelligent we are.

This “lunch and learn” was a very timely one for me.  It is all stuff I have heard before, but hearing it in a different form, really opened my eyes to all the areas I need improvement.  Like I said, I always knew I had issues with emotional control.  I tend to fly off the handle instead of getting my emotions in check first.  But emotional control is just a small fraction of emotional intelligence.  Kevin’s RSD really brings into light where I am lacking in emotional intelligence.

Our lives were turned upside down September 2009 with Kevin’s RSD.  And I didn’t handle the life changes very well.  I was angry, feeling sorry for myself.  Thinking only of myself and how Kevin’s RSD was affecting me, everything that I had to do or couldn’t do, all the added responsibility on my plate, financially and personally.  I was lacking the empathy Kevin needed.  I needed to walk in his shoes.  I needed to put myself in his position.  Once I started doing that I started to adapt to the life changes, I became more optimistic and was managing conflicts better.  Oh sure I slip (and slip often), but I am definitely a more self aware person than I was a year ago.  I am in a better place in my heart and in my head.  I realize what is most important in life.  A year ago, I would have thought I was conceding and needed to be more assertive.  But I realize now for the good of myself and my family and Kevin, I needed to get my emotions in check.  I needed to be more empathic.  I needed to be more optimistic.

I want my emotional intelligence to improve.  I want to be influential and inspirational to my son Lincoln.  I want him to grow up to have a high Emotional-Intelligence Quotient.

I Hate Smoking

I Hate Smoking

Smoking drives me nuts.  I am not a smoker.  Tried it once in college and a guy told me I looked ridiculous and I never did it again.  My dad smoked cigars.  And it drove me nuts.  I hated the smell.  He would purposefully light one up right after I would take a shower to get ready to go out.  Making my hair get all stinky.  Funny how now I enjoy a good Macanudo every now and then.  He is probably smiling from his grave on that one.  I vowed never to date or even consider marrying a smoker.  Knowing that fact, on the night I met Kevin, my sister pointed out to me that “he smokes”.  When Kevin and I started dating, Kevin started the process of trying to quit.  And he did quit smoking for 4 years.  Then our lives became stressful, and the occasional cigar, turned into the daily cigar, which turned into the multiple cigars a day.  Well if you don’t know it cigars are EXPENSIVE.  So I called Kevin out on it.  Said admit it, you are a smoker and just buy cigarettes and be done with it.  Kevin was officially a smoker again. I hated the smell and the cost, but what was I going to do about it.  It is an addiction and I love Kevin.

When Kevin’s RSD kicked in, the smoking started to involve me more.  Now I was the one that had to go on cigarette runs, because he couldn’t.   He has enough going on, I can’t deny him cigarettes too.  Well just because Kevin is in chronic pain doesn’t negate the fact that I hate the smoking.  I hate the smell, I hate the cost, now I hate having to run and get them and I hate how unhealthy they are for him, me and Lincoln.

Kevin has tried several times to quit, but when you are dealing with chronic pain, adding the stress to the body of quitting nicotine, just adds to it.  Again, just because of Kevin’s RSD, doesn’t make it easier for me to accept the smoking.  I still hate it.

Kevin endures a lot of pain daily, but through the pain, manages to get up and walk outside to smoke (I don’t allow smoking in the house).  So this brings up the issue I have with the smoking and Kevin’s RSD.  Kevin struggles with day to day routines, like showering, shaving, cooking meals etc.  So at times it is difficult for me to understand how someone who cannot do these day to day things, can manage to get up and walk outside to smoke. I try to look at the bright side of the smoking and that it does get him up and walking every so often.  But it still bothers me, how the need for smoking can do that, but the need to eat doesn’t.  So I explain it away that it must be the addiction.

I hate smoking.  I hate the cost.  I hate the smell.  I hate what it does to the body and I hate that it has now become something that has me confused and questioning why and how Kevin smokes.

Caught in the Middle

I am caught in the middle.  The middle between a mother and her son.  I love my mother in law.  Kevin’s mom has been a Godsend to us.  Caring for Lincoln while I work, buying food and diapers, giving us money to keep us afloat.  She is an amazing friend and confidant.  Nobody else really truly understands what is it is like living with and caring for Kevin but me and her.  However, we are two different people from two different worlds.  She is Kevin’s mom, I am Kevin’s wife.  Different roles, different lives, different mindsets.  Kevin’s disability affects us differently because of that.  It took me a long time to understand and except Kevin’s disability and what he needs or wants from me.  I still screw up and make mistakes, but I am still learning.  There is no cure for RSD.  I have accepted Kevin is and will always be disabled.  But we need to move on and “learn to walk” again.  Maybe I have come to terms with that easier than Kevin’s mom because it is a necessity for me.  It doesn’t do Kevin or Lincoln any good to ignore the disability or think this will all go away some day.  This is our life now.  We will make the most of it.  You might think I am strange to say this, but I feel we are blessed that God chose us to have this happen to.  He must have chosen us for a reason.  We have already reaped benefits and blessings from it.  The love and support from friends and family is overwhelming.  Can’t look at what has been lost; have to look at what has been gained.  There is still more to gain.  My wish is that Kevin and his mom can work together, understand each other better, and be there for each other.  They love each other that are obvious.  But the hurt and sadness between them needs to go away.  I know it kills her to see her son in pain.  I couldn’t imagine seeing Lincoln suffer like she sees her son suffer.  We are all dealing with this RSD in our own ways.  And there isn’t a wrong or right way.  We just all need to support each other.

Memory Loss

One of the frustrating things with Kevin’s RSD is his memory loss.  He can ask the same question over and over or tell the same story over and over.  That I can deal with, it is the forgetting to tell me something, or forgetting to do something that makes things frustrating for me.  There are so many doctor appointments to keep track of, so many doctor bills, and so much paperwork for his disability claims.  So many phone calls he receives that I am not privy to from doctors, lawyers, VFW, DHS.  I am on the sidelines with no clue at times what is going on in the game.  I want to help, but am frustrated I can’t.  I work all day and can’t sift through mounds of paperwork for him from my desk 15 miles from home.  I know he is at home struggling and I just want to help him. 

Learning to walk

While watching Avatar a friend said, ‘after living in the Avatar world, how could you walk in the normal world’.  I thought about it and realized I am case in point that you can walk again after living in another world. 

When I met my husband Kevin 5-1/2 years ago, he was fit, active, full of life, going to school for his BA in Psychology.  Our dates consisted of trips to Chicago to just walk around downtown and to go through the museums, bars to hear bands, ball room dance lessons, movies, diners out, ren faires.  We both joined the gym and Kevin was my trainer, my motivator telling me “NEVER SAY CAN’T…DON’T GIVE IN…DON’T GIVE UP”   We got married and we were set, both working, Kevin going to school for his MBA.

Things got sidelined when Kevin had a shoulder injury that required two surgeries and physical therapy.  It was a worker’s comp claim.  And his employer made him pay for making the claim and let him go.  We were fine.  We still had our entire lives ahead of us.  We got through it.  Kevin got another job.  We decided to have a baby.  Things couldn’t be better for us.  Happy, healthy with a baby on the way.  Then the economic downturn comes and Kevin loses his job.

Lincoln Wendell Shear was born on 2/6/08. Our baby made our lives that more happy regardless of the loss of income.  We pushed through.  .  Beautiful baby boy, bringing more joy and love into our lives.  Due to the cost of daycare, Kevin decided to pursue a degree in guitar.  Taking on line courses.  We hoped this would turn into an at home business where he would become a guitar instructor doing lessons.  He could care for Lincoln during the day and do lessons after I got off work.  It was going great.  He had over 20 students.

Then in September of 2009 it hit, his RSD.  Our lives were changed forever.  Kevin was originally diagnosed with RSD in 2001 while he was in the Marine Corp.  Service related injury from combat training.  He was treated at that time with sympathetic nerve blocks and was told he was “cured”.  Little did we know he was in remission.  Actually, I didn’t know about the RSD at all.  To Kevin, he didn’t even think of it, because he thought he was “cured”.  I was clueless to what RSD was and Kevin didn’t have a clue of what hell he would be going through.  The hell began.  The pain and suffering that Kevin still endures daily.  His mom was our savior, stepping in to care for Lincoln and Kevin so I could still work.

Because Kevin’s injury is service related his treatment has to be out of a VA hospital.  We started out at North Chicago because we live in the Chicago area and that is the closest one to us.  That was a complete nightmare for us.  The total mistreatment of Kevin.  The panic that would take over us every time we drove into that parking lot.  Kevin’s depression.  It was pure hell.  Lucky or unlucky for us (however you want to look at it), the North Chicago VA mishandled Kevin’s case and through our local congressman we were able to get Kevin released from medical treatment at North Chicago and transferred to the Milwaukee WI VA.  Come to find out later, that this is rarely allowed.  So that is where the luck comes in.  The Milwaukee WI VA system is like night and day to North Chicago .  The medical treatment is amazing there.  Kevin actually has a team of doctors working together.  Though we rejoice in the fact we have this great team of doctors, it still doesn’t help Kevin with his pain and suffering from his RSD.

Kevin can no longer drive, no longer dance, no longer take vacations, or long drives, no longer walk, no longer play with his son.  Has a 15 minute window before intense pain sets in to sit with us at the dinner table.  Has limited play time on his guitar before pain sets in.  He had to give up all his guitar students.  And in 2 months we will be giving up our home as well because Social Security and the VA have both denied Kevin’s disability claim twice.  So you could say we lived an Avatar world before Kevin’s RSD kicked in and now we are learning to “walk” again.  It can be done, because like Kevin used to say at the gym “NEVER SAY CAN’T…DON’T GIVE IN…DON’T GIVE UP”. 

Our relationship is stronger than ever.  When you have everything else stripped away and it is just the two of you, you realize the love and commitment and support that there is beneath all of that stuff.