I Hate Smoking

I Hate Smoking

Smoking drives me nuts.  I am not a smoker.  Tried it once in college and a guy told me I looked ridiculous and I never did it again.  My dad smoked cigars.  And it drove me nuts.  I hated the smell.  He would purposefully light one up right after I would take a shower to get ready to go out.  Making my hair get all stinky.  Funny how now I enjoy a good Macanudo every now and then.  He is probably smiling from his grave on that one.  I vowed never to date or even consider marrying a smoker.  Knowing that fact, on the night I met Kevin, my sister pointed out to me that “he smokes”.  When Kevin and I started dating, Kevin started the process of trying to quit.  And he did quit smoking for 4 years.  Then our lives became stressful, and the occasional cigar, turned into the daily cigar, which turned into the multiple cigars a day.  Well if you don’t know it cigars are EXPENSIVE.  So I called Kevin out on it.  Said admit it, you are a smoker and just buy cigarettes and be done with it.  Kevin was officially a smoker again. I hated the smell and the cost, but what was I going to do about it.  It is an addiction and I love Kevin.

When Kevin’s RSD kicked in, the smoking started to involve me more.  Now I was the one that had to go on cigarette runs, because he couldn’t.   He has enough going on, I can’t deny him cigarettes too.  Well just because Kevin is in chronic pain doesn’t negate the fact that I hate the smoking.  I hate the smell, I hate the cost, now I hate having to run and get them and I hate how unhealthy they are for him, me and Lincoln.

Kevin has tried several times to quit, but when you are dealing with chronic pain, adding the stress to the body of quitting nicotine, just adds to it.  Again, just because of Kevin’s RSD, doesn’t make it easier for me to accept the smoking.  I still hate it.

Kevin endures a lot of pain daily, but through the pain, manages to get up and walk outside to smoke (I don’t allow smoking in the house).  So this brings up the issue I have with the smoking and Kevin’s RSD.  Kevin struggles with day to day routines, like showering, shaving, cooking meals etc.  So at times it is difficult for me to understand how someone who cannot do these day to day things, can manage to get up and walk outside to smoke. I try to look at the bright side of the smoking and that it does get him up and walking every so often.  But it still bothers me, how the need for smoking can do that, but the need to eat doesn’t.  So I explain it away that it must be the addiction.

I hate smoking.  I hate the cost.  I hate the smell.  I hate what it does to the body and I hate that it has now become something that has me confused and questioning why and how Kevin smokes.