Birthdays - Are they just another day, marking just another year went by?

When birthdays roll around I think in years.  How old was I when I did that?  How many years ago did I hear that song?  How many years has it been since I have done that?

My birthday is coming up this Tuesday I am thinking once again in years.

For 38 years I didn’t have a care in the world but myself.  Then I met Kevin, got married, became a step mom (which including dealing with Kevin’s ex-wife), to becoming a mother to my own child Lincoln.  Then I became the wife of a disabled husband, to losing our home and living with Kevin’s mom all in six short years.  I don’t catch my breath from one thing happening before another thing does.  I am struggling with all the life changes.  I am not even accustom to one change and another one comes along.  Maybe it is a mid life crisis, I will be turning 44 on Tuesday, or just overwhelming stress lately, but I am really having a difficult time dealing.  So much so, that I think I need some professional help to get through it all.  My once a month glass of wine has gone to a bottle a week.  Just this past Wednesday, I was so agitated and felt like I was going to jump out of my skin, that I had thoughts of just bailing, running away.  I squashed those thoughts by looking at Lincoln playing with his Legos and Kevin writing in his journal which made realized how lucky I am to have them and there is no way I was going anywhere.

Sometimes you can handle all that is thrown at you and other times you can’t.  Maybe because work has been extremely stressful this week, that it has carried over into my home life.  Threats of state budget cuts to human services means turmoil at work, since I work for a human service company.

Then there is the stress of Kevin’s SSDI hearing on Thursday.  That worry that it will not go our way, even though our lawyer says it will.  If it doesn’t, it means just that much longer we have to live with Kevin’s mom.  I hate that thought.  I am miserable there.  I spend my evenings trying to keep Lincoln from bothering Kevin’s mom and her husband.  So I can never relax.  How can you keep a grandson from his grandmother, whom he can run to all day long?  Lincoln can’t switch it off when mom gets home.  Not to mention “sexy time” is non-existent.   Kevin blogged about his frustrations this week in The Rant Post: From the Shadows Link: http://therant-kmshear.blogspot.com/2011/02/from-shadows.html and I totally concur with it all so I am not going to rehash it here.

My birthday.  Just another day.  I don’t think so.  It is a very special day to me.  My special day.  I want some kind of fanfare over it.  No matter how small.  With Kevin and his RSD, you can’t plan anything.  You just don’t know how he will feel that day.  Though I WILL be going out on my birthday this year.  Kevin’s mom planned a bible study group at her house that night.  Yes I was welcomed to join, but not interested.  So I either hole up in the bedroom or I spend the evening out of the house.

Speaking of Kevin, today he had an appt with his primary care and he will be coming home with all new meds.  Hoping this cocktail will give him some relief no matter how short lived it may be.

Back to the question, how many years ago did I hear that song?  I heard Alanis Morissette’s song “Hand In My Pocket” this week and it conjured up all these memories, but it also made me listen to the lyrics differently, because I am in a different place today then I was when the song first came out.

“Hand In My Pocket"

I'm broke but I'm happy
I'm poor but I'm kind
I'm short but I'm healthy, yeah
I'm high but I'm grounded
I'm sane but I'm overwhelmed
I'm lost but I'm hopeful baby
What it all comes down to
Is that everything's gonna be fine fine fine
'cause I've got one hand in my pocket
And the other one is giving a high five
I feel drunk but I'm sober
I'm young and I'm underpaid
I'm tired but I'm working, yeah
I care but I'm restless
I'm here but I'm really gone
I'm wrong and I'm sorry baby

What it all comes down to
Is that everything's gonna be quite alright
'cause I've got one hand in my pocket
And the other one is flicking a cigarette
And what it all comes down to
Is that I haven't got it all figured out just yet
'cause I've got one hand in my pocket
And the other one is giving the peace sign
I'm free but I'm focused
I'm green but I'm wise
I'm hard but I'm friendly baby
I'm sad but I'm laughing
I'm brave but I'm chickenshit
I'm sick but I'm pretty baby

And what it all boils down to
Is that no one's really got it figured out just yet
'cause I've got one hand in my pocket
And the other one is playing the piano
And what it all comes down to my friends
Is that everything's just fine fine fine
'cause I've got one hand in my pocket
And the other one is hailing a taxi cab

Someone in need. Please read.

You have a kid. So, now what?: Another Letter...: "I wrote a more comprehensive letter. I was exhausted and worried when I wrote the first letter. I also have a plan. But, we need the help of..."

Guilt

Why does everything I do or get make me feel guilty?

This weekend I am going back to my hometown of Dubuque Iowa to spend time with family and friends and I feel guilty for leaving Kevin home alone.  I wish he could come too, but know the trip, which is a short 2-1/2 hrs away, would be a killer for him.  Then, I feel guilty that I am relieved he isn’t going, because I don’t have to worry about him or make sure he is comfortable at my mom’s (which is impossible on her furniture even for a healthy pain free person) or entertained there (my family can be boring, we are content just sitting in the same room not saying anything to each other).  I mention my guilt to friends and they tell me I am crazy to feel guilty, because I “deserve the break”.  Then I feel guilty that I CAN get a break and Kevin can’t because of his RSD.  Guilt, guilt, guilt. Ugh.

Then there is the issue of Kevin’s daughter and his visitation with her.  I feel guilty that I am unwilling to make the trek to Chicago every other weekend to get her since Kevin can’t.  People tell me “you shouldn’t have to”, “not your responsibility”.  But that doesn’t make me feel better.  I still feel guilty.  I feel bad that Lincoln doesn’t get to spend more time with “his Ashlynn” or Kevin spend more time with his daughter.  That I am responsible for that.  But I do have my hands full.  I work full time during the day, come home to a rambunctious 3 year old and a disabled husband with RSD and my next “job” of wife and mother kicks in.  My weekends are my time to spend with Lincoln and Kevin and do laundry and shop and clean and rest and relax, go to church with my sister and her kids.  I don’t want to spend the better part of my weekend training it back and forth to Chicago.  Not to mention having to deal with or have interaction with Kevin’s ex-wife or her husband in the process.  Kevin doesn’t want to deal with them, why would I.  But still feel guilty that Ashlynn can’t visit more often.

Even a birthday gift that Kevin’s mom bought me, made me feel guilty.  I felt bad that I even mentioned I wanted it when I saw it in the Sunday sales ad and when the on line purchase would cost more than buying it in the store, felt bad that Kevin’s mom had to go out in the cold, with a nasty cold/flu to get it for me.  I couldn’t even enjoy someone buying me something.  There is something seriously wrong with me.

There was a subject brought up on facebook about being “broke” but still having money to buy cigarettes and other luxuries.  I have been “broke” for so long, it struck a nerve with me.  Because I have bought cigarettes for Kevin and have bought books and toys for Lincoln.  It seems like when you are broke you are scrutinized for every little thing you buy or do.  That you don’t need it.  That you shouldn’t treat yourself or anyone.  Because I have been broke forever, I feel guilty every time I buy something.  Why should I feel guilt and someone with money not?  It is OK for them to buy things not needed, but not me.

Same goes for my guilt over Kevin and everything else I feel guilty about.  Why because I have had so much taken away, and have so little, why when I get something or do anything that would make any other normal person feel good, I feel guilty.  I want my child to understand Need VS Want, but I don’t want him to feel guilt all the time like I do.  I want him to enjoy life and everything that is given to him and every opportunity he gets.

Valentine's Day

Being Catholic I know there were Christian martyrs named Valentine.  One definition of martyr is a believer who is called to witness for their religious belief, and on account of the witness endures suffering and/or death.  Valentine is derived from Valens, which means worthy, strong and powerful.  This all describes my Kevin.  Worthy, Strong, Powerful and a martyr.  Kevin endures much suffering.  I believe, because of my faith, that God chose Kevin because he is worthy, strong, powerful and called to witness for his religious belief.  Because of Kevin’s RSD, I have become more spiritual and closer to God.  And I have seen Kevin become more too. 

I love Kevin very much and on Valentine’s Day we are supposed to express our love with cards, candy and flowers.  Those material things fade.  It is the day to day love that endures.  The expressions through actions mean more to me.  The hug, the kiss, the grasp of the hand, the smile, the wink.  I get those every day from Kevin even when he is in so much pain.  Kevin can’t go to the store and buy me things.  Sure he could order on line, but we don’t have the money.  I know it upsets him that he can’t do that anymore for me. Yes those gestures were well received by me in our early days of our relationship.  But our relationship has evolved.  It is easy to call in a flower delivery or pick up a card at the store.  The hard stuff is that day to day.  Kevin lets me know every day how much he loves me, with his smiles and winks, and hugs and kisses and that grasp of my hand in a store or in the car.  That is the real gift.  And he does this even through all his suffering. 

This blog entry to tell Kevin that I love him and that I recognize and appreciate all he does for me.  Those little things throughout the day, every day.  Not just on Valentine’s Day.  I thank God every day for bringing Kevin to me and me to Kevin.

I love you Kevin.

Happy Valentine’s Day

Multi Family Dwelling

I don’t know how Kevin’s mom and her husband do it.  I don’t know how they put up with us invading their home and not lose their minds.  Things have been running pretty smoothly since we had to move in with them on December 31^st.  I am very grateful to them for allowing us to live there and grateful for their seemingly unending patience. I am sure some days we are more tolerable than others.  We are on our 6^th week living there.  We have fallen into a routine so to speak.  But that routine was disrupted with the recent blizzard that caused us to be cooped up together for days and now this cold snap and Lincoln coming down with a nasty cold.  We are all finding our way within the routine even with the disruptions.  I seem to be struggling more with finding my way then the others in the house.  I miss having my own home.  I have my own space in the beautiful home we currently share with Kevin’s mom, Wendy and husband Jeff.  But it isn’t my home.  What a blessing it is to have your own home to yourself.  I feel bad that we have taken that away from Wendy and Jeff. 

I am feeling a disconnect with Kevin.  I work all day come home and retire to my own space.  Kevin has his space, Lincoln and I have our own space.  Own space and own home are two different things.  And I am really missing not having my own home.  Got a taste of it last Sunday when we had the house to ourselves.  The three of us were not on top of one another the entire time, but we were still together, alone.  Nothing in the background to distract us from us.  I miss that.  I am sure Wendy and Jeff miss that too.

One would say, a solution to this problem, for me getting out of this funk, would be to go out on a family outing just me, Kevin and Lincoln.  But with Kevin’s RSD we can’t always do that.  Our outings are dictated by his pain levels and tolerance.  This frigid weather is a killer for Kevin too.  So we are really limited and restricted.  Sure Lincoln and I could go somewhere, but that isn’t what I want.  I want it to be all three of us.  And besides with Lincoln’s cold this week, Lincoln and I can’t even do something outside of the house.  So I am getting stir crazy.

Our current living situation is temporary.  I know that.  But how I am feeling this week, I don’t want Wendy and Jeff to feel that way and if they do, I hope it isn’t for much longer.  That we can have our own home again soon.