tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-11370402319071095322024-02-08T10:04:17.728-08:00RSD SupportMy personal journey with my husband's RSDashearhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01528410020137902538noreply@blogger.comBlogger29125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1137040231907109532.post-87956289291645962142011-04-05T08:09:00.000-07:002011-04-05T08:09:03.551-07:00Paperwork<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 10pt;">So much paperwork, at home and at work.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Forms for this, forms for that.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Online forms, paper forms.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>All so confusing and so much to keep track of.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Now imagine how much more difficult keeping track of paperwork, or following up on paperwork can be when your husband has RSD, you work full time, have a 3 year old and you were evicted from you home 3 months ago and all your stuff is packed up and you have no clue where to start locating it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>If you are filing for disability or receiving disability, the paperwork intensifies.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The lack of following up or following through on this paperwork is costing me and my family money.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>So you think it would be our top priority.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It is, but our life is different and as I tell my friends when they call me to get together, my life works on “last minute”.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I get more things done, see more people, last minute, than planning ahead.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Because my plans will always get jacked up because of our situation. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But with paperwork, you can’t work on last minute.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>You need to get it done.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And it comes back to where do I begin looking for all the info I need to fill out this paperwork.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Then I get overwhelmed, stressed and my defense mechanism of avoidance comes into play.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I avoid unpleasant things, thinking I am saving myself grief.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But in the end, I cause myself more grief.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Vicious circle.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 10pt;">Then you have RSD.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>With Kevin’s RSD, you don’t know when he will have a good day or a bad day.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>So you can’t plan.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>When he is able to do something, you have to drop what you are doing and do something with him or you will lose that opportunity and you don’t know when you will get the opportunity again.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Sometimes I don’t want to or feel like dropping what I am doing and it frustrates me when I have to and I take it out on Kevin and I don’t mean to.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>So in regards to all this paperwork that needs to get taken care of and which I need Kevin’s help in doing, because the VA won’t deal with the spouse only the veteran themselves, I have to catch that opportunity.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But when Kevin feels good, I don’t want to waste that time doing something unpleasant I want to enjoy the time and have fun with him.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>So paperwork doesn’t get done.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And money is delayed or lost.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 10pt;">I know don’t look at all of it at once, knock one thing out at a time.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Well then a phone call needs to be made on something and you have to wait for a response and something else comes up.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Or you can’t find or don’t have the info needed and you have to order it or call someone for it and wait again.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Because of our living situation we are completely disorganized and everything takes so much more time to get even one thing knocked off.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And we don’t have that luxury of time when it comes to getting money.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 10pt;">Kevin has enough to deal with daily without me nagging him about making these phone calls or filling out that form or calling for that information.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Like I said before, if he gets a few minutes of pain relief out of hell day, I don’t want to rob him of the enjoyment of those minutes to do paperwork.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It is almost like we need to hire someone or me not work to get all that needs to get done.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>So I am left overwhelmed with all this paperwork.</span></div>ashearhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01528410020137902538noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1137040231907109532.post-78610020002768836802011-03-18T10:32:00.000-07:002011-03-18T10:32:24.732-07:00Strong and Gentle<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 10pt;">I have this Daily Spiritual Refreshment for Women Journal and the subject for today is Strong and Gentle.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 10pt;">Let your gentleness be evident to all.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 10pt;">The Lord is near.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 10pt;">Philippians 4:5</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 10pt;">And the thought for today after the passage is as follows:</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 10pt;">“The Bible says that the strong woman is also gentle—two words that might seem contradictory.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But they aren’t.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The strong woman chooses how she will respond to others.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She chooses to deal with them gently—because she can.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She is in control of her emotions, her words, and her actions.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Anger, hostility—both represent the easy way out.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But gentleness requires strength.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>God wants to see you become a strong, gentle woman for Him.”</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 10pt;">For Lent this year, I decided not to give up anything, but do something instead.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>So many times I give up something and I just fall off the wagon.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Give up swearing or sweets or coffee, whatever.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Never fails, I will do, eat or drink whatever I gave up without even thinking about it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>So this year, I decided to pray every day.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I have to think about it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And I have my prayer books at work on my desk to remind me to start my day off with prayer and a bible by my bedside to remind me to pray before going to bed.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 10pt;">It is amazing how much benefit I have gotten from these daily prayers.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Last Sunday our priest mentioned in his homily that we need to do “preemptive prayer”.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Pray before we get into situations that would let the devil in (like bad thoughts, actions, anger etc).<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I laughed about it afterward, that I would end up praying 24/7 if that was the case.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The joke was on me, because this preemptive prayer is helping me and I didn’t have to do it 24/7.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Just adding prayer into my daily life, brought a strength and calmness about me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Sure, I can still be a ball of stress and tension, but I seemed to be handling things a lot better.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Thinking before acting.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>People in my life are no longer an after thought, instead I think of how my words, and actions can affect them before saying or doing. </span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 10pt;">So by doing my Lenten promise, I am letting my “gentleness be evident to all”.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Or trying to at least. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I am trying not to take the easy way out with anger and hostility.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 10pt;">In doing something for Lent, I ended up giving up something.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I gave up my worry, and stress.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 10pt;">Being a wife of and RSD sufferer and a mother of a 3 year old, I need to have a lot of strength and I need to be gentle too. I need to reach in for that inner strength and to be reminded to do so through prayer has been helpful to me. I am finding my sprititual life has been imperative to my survival.</span></div>ashearhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01528410020137902538noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1137040231907109532.post-53547441154746202092011-03-14T11:32:00.000-07:002011-03-14T11:33:50.887-07:00Prayer<div style="text-align: center;">I asked God for strength,</div><div style="text-align: center;">that I might achieve...</div><div style="text-align: center;"><br />
</div><div style="text-align: center;">I was made weak,</div><div style="text-align: center;">that I might learn humbly to obey.</div><div style="text-align: center;"><br />
</div><div style="text-align: center;">I asked for health,</div><div style="text-align: center;">that I might do greater things....</div><div style="text-align: center;"><br />
</div><div style="text-align: center;">I was given infirmity,</div><div style="text-align: center;">that I might do better things.</div><div style="text-align: center;"><br />
</div><div style="text-align: center;">I asked for riches,</div><div style="text-align: center;">that I might be happy....</div><div style="text-align: center;"><br />
</div><div style="text-align: center;">I was given poverty,</div><div style="text-align: center;">that I might be wise.</div><div style="text-align: center;"><br />
</div><div style="text-align: center;">I asked for power,</div><div style="text-align: center;">that I might have the praise of people...</div><div style="text-align: center;"><br />
</div><div style="text-align: center;">I was given weakness,</div><div style="text-align: center;">that I might feel the need of God.</div><div style="text-align: center;"><br />
</div><div style="text-align: center;">I asked for all things,</div><div style="text-align: center;">that I might enjoy life...</div><div style="text-align: center;"><br />
</div><div style="text-align: center;">I was give life,</div><div style="text-align: center;">that I might enjoy all things.</div><div style="text-align: center;"><br />
</div><div style="text-align: center;">I got nothing that I asked for,</div><div style="text-align: center;">but everything I hoped for.</div><div style="text-align: center;"><br />
</div><div style="text-align: center;">Almost despite myself,</div><div style="text-align: center;">my unspoken prayers were answered.</div><div style="text-align: center;"><br />
</div><div style="text-align: center;">I am, among all people, most richly blessed!!!</div><div style="text-align: center;"><br />
</div><div style="text-align: center;">Anonymous</div>ashearhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01528410020137902538noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1137040231907109532.post-24136386098730527262011-02-25T07:40:00.000-08:002011-02-25T07:40:47.668-08:00Birthdays - Are they just another day, marking just another year went by?<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><b><span style="color: black; font-family: Verdana; font-size: x-small;"><span style="color: black; font-family: Verdana; font-size: 10pt; font-weight: bold;">When birthdays roll around I think in years.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>How old was I when I did that?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>How many years ago did I hear that song?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>How many years has it been since I have done that?</span></span></b></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><b><span style="color: black; font-family: Verdana; font-size: x-small;"><span style="color: black; font-family: Verdana; font-size: 10pt; font-weight: bold;">My birthday is coming up this Tuesday I am thinking once again in years.</span></span></b></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><b><span style="color: black; font-family: Verdana; font-size: x-small;"><span style="color: black; font-family: Verdana; font-size: 10pt; font-weight: bold;">For 38 years I didn’t have a care in the world but myself.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Then I met Kevin, got married, became a step mom (which including dealing with Kevin’s ex-wife), to becoming a mother to my own child Lincoln.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Then I became the wife of a disabled husband, to losing our home and living with Kevin’s mom all in six short years.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I don’t catch my breath from one thing happening before another thing does.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I am struggling with all the life changes.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I am not even accustom to one change and another one comes along.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Maybe it is a mid life crisis, I will be turning 44 on Tuesday, or just overwhelming stress lately, but I am really having a difficult time dealing.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>So much so, that I think I need some professional help to get through it all.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>My once a month glass of wine has gone to a bottle a week.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Just this past Wednesday, I was so agitated and felt like I was going to jump out of my skin, that I had thoughts of just bailing, running away. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I squashed those thoughts by looking at Lincoln playing with his Legos and Kevin writing in his journal which made realized how lucky I am to have them and there is no way I was going anywhere. </span></span></b></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><b><span style="color: black; font-family: Verdana; font-size: x-small;"><span style="color: black; font-family: Verdana; font-size: 10pt; font-weight: bold;">Sometimes you can handle all that is thrown at you and other times you can’t.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Maybe because work has been extremely stressful this week, that it has carried over into my home life.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Threats of state budget cuts to human services means turmoil at work, since I work for a human service company.</span></span></b></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><b><span style="color: black; font-family: Verdana; font-size: x-small;"><span style="color: black; font-family: Verdana; font-size: 10pt; font-weight: bold;">Then there is the stress of Kevin’s SSDI hearing on Thursday.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>That worry that it will not go our way, even though our lawyer says it will.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>If it doesn’t, it means just that much longer we have to live with Kevin’s mom.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I hate that thought.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I am miserable there.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I spend my evenings trying to keep <city w:st="on"><place w:st="on">Lincoln</place></city> from bothering Kevin’s mom and her husband.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>So I can never relax.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>How can you keep a grandson from his grandmother, whom he can run to all day long?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><city w:st="on"><place w:st="on">Lincoln</place></city> can’t switch it off when mom gets home.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Not to mention “sexy time” is non-existent. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Kevin blogged about his frustrations this week</span></span></b> in The Rant Post: From the Shadows Link: <a href="http://therant-kmshear.blogspot.com/2011/02/from-shadows.html"><span style="color: purple;">http://therant-kmshear.blogspot.com/2011/02/from-shadows.html</span></a> <b><span style="color: black; font-family: Verdana; font-size: x-small;"><span style="color: black; font-family: Verdana; font-size: 10pt; font-weight: bold;">and I totally concur with it all so I am not going to rehash it here.</span></span></b></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><b><span style="color: black; font-family: Verdana; font-size: x-small;"><span style="color: black; font-family: Verdana; font-size: 10pt; font-weight: bold;">My birthday.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Just another day.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I don’t think so.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It is a very special day to me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>My special day.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I want some kind of fanfare over it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>No matter how small.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>With Kevin and his RSD, you can’t plan anything.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>You just don’t know how he will feel that day.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Though I WILL be going out on my birthday this year.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Kevin’s mom planned a bible study group at her house that night. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Yes I was welcomed to join, but not interested. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>So I either hole up in the bedroom or I spend the evening out of the house.</span></span></b></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><b><span style="color: black; font-family: Verdana; font-size: x-small;"><span style="color: black; font-family: Verdana; font-size: 10pt; font-weight: bold;">Speaking of Kevin, today he had an appt with his primary care and he will be coming home with all new meds.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Hoping this cocktail will give him some relief no matter how short lived it may be.</span></span></b></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><b><span style="color: black; font-family: Verdana; font-size: x-small;"><span style="color: black; font-family: Verdana; font-size: 10pt; font-weight: bold;">Back to the question, how many years ago did I hear that song?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I heard Alanis Morissette’s song “Hand In My Pocket” this week and it conjured up all these memories, but it also made me listen to the lyrics differently, because I am in a different place today then I was when the song first came out.</span></span></b></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><b><span style="color: black; font-family: Verdana; font-size: x-small;"><span style="color: black; font-family: Verdana; font-size: 10pt; font-weight: bold;">“Hand In My Pocket"</span></span></b><span style="color: black; font-family: Verdana; font-size: x-small;"><span style="color: black; font-family: Verdana; font-size: 10pt;"><br />
<br />
<!-- start of lyrics -->I'm broke but I'm happy<br />
I'm poor but I'm kind<br />
I'm short but I'm healthy, yeah<br />
I'm high but I'm grounded<br />
I'm sane but I'm overwhelmed<br />
I'm lost but I'm hopeful baby<br />
What it all comes down to<br />
Is that everything's gonna be fine fine fine<br />
'cause I've got one hand in my pocket<br />
And the other one is giving a high five<br />
I feel drunk but I'm sober<br />
I'm young and I'm underpaid<br />
I'm tired but I'm working, yeah<br />
I care but I'm restless<br />
I'm here but I'm really gone<br />
I'm wrong and I'm sorry baby<br />
<br />
What it all comes down to<br />
Is that everything's gonna be quite alright<br />
'cause I've got one hand in my pocket<br />
And the other one is flicking a cigarette<br />
And what it all comes down to<br />
Is that I haven't got it all figured out just yet<br />
'cause I've got one hand in my pocket<br />
And the other one is giving the peace sign<br />
I'm free but I'm focused<br />
I'm green but I'm wise<br />
I'm hard but I'm friendly baby<br />
I'm sad but I'm laughing<br />
I'm brave but I'm chickenshit<br />
I'm sick but I'm pretty baby<br />
<br />
And what it all boils down to<br />
Is that no one's really got it figured out just yet<br />
'cause I've got one hand in my pocket<br />
And the other one is playing the piano<br />
And what it all comes down to my friends<br />
Is that everything's just fine fine fine<br />
'cause I've got one hand in my pocket<br />
And the other one is hailing a taxi cab</span></span><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: x-small;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 10pt;"></span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div>ashearhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01528410020137902538noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1137040231907109532.post-66498717522481922392011-02-23T08:03:00.000-08:002011-02-23T08:05:32.491-08:00Someone in need. Please read.<a href="http://youhaveakidsonowwhat.blogspot.com/2011/02/another-letter.html?spref=bl">You have a kid. So, now what?: Another Letter...</a>: "I wrote a more comprehensive letter. I was exhausted and worried when I wrote the first letter. I also have a plan. But, we need the help of..."ashearhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01528410020137902538noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1137040231907109532.post-29795004854342770142011-02-17T08:35:00.000-08:002011-02-17T08:35:33.266-08:00Guilt<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 10pt;">Why does everything I do or get make me feel guilty? </span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 10pt;">This weekend I am going back to my hometown of <place w:st="on"><city w:st="on">Dubuque</city> <state w:st="on">Iowa</state></place> to spend time with family and friends and I feel guilty for leaving Kevin home alone.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I wish he could come too, but know the trip, which is a short 2-1/2 hrs away, would be a killer for him. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Then, I feel guilty that I am relieved he isn’t going, because I don’t have to worry about him or make sure he is comfortable at my mom’s (which is impossible on her furniture even for a healthy pain free person) or entertained there (my family can be boring, we are content just sitting in the same room not saying anything to each other).<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I mention my guilt to friends and they tell me I am crazy to feel guilty, because I “deserve the break”.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Then I feel guilty that I CAN get a break and Kevin can’t because of his RSD.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Guilt, guilt, guilt. Ugh.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 10pt;">Then there is the issue of Kevin’s daughter and his visitation with her.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I feel guilty that I am unwilling to make the trek to <city w:st="on"><place w:st="on">Chicago</place></city> every other weekend to get her since Kevin can’t.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>People tell me “you shouldn’t have to”, “not your responsibility”.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But that doesn’t make me feel better.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I still feel guilty.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I feel bad that <city w:st="on"><place w:st="on">Lincoln</place></city> doesn’t get to spend more time with “his Ashlynn” or Kevin spend more time with his daughter.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>That I am responsible for that.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But I do have my hands full.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I work full time during the day, come home to a rambunctious 3 year old and a disabled husband with RSD and my next “job” of wife and mother kicks in.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>My weekends are my time to spend with Lincoln and Kevin and do laundry and shop and clean and rest and relax, go to church with my sister and her kids.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I don’t want to spend the better part of my weekend training it back and forth to <city w:st="on"><place w:st="on">Chicago</place></city>.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Not to mention having to deal with or have interaction with Kevin’s ex-wife or her husband in the process.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Kevin doesn’t want to deal with them, why would I.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But still feel guilty that Ashlynn can’t visit more often.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 10pt;">Even a birthday gift that Kevin’s mom bought me, made me feel guilty.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I felt bad that I even mentioned I wanted it when I saw it in the Sunday sales ad and when the on line purchase would cost more than buying it in the store, felt bad that Kevin’s mom had to go out in the cold, with a nasty cold/flu to get it for me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I couldn’t even enjoy someone buying me something.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>There is something seriously wrong with me.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 10pt;">There was a subject brought up on facebook about being “broke” but still having money to buy cigarettes and other luxuries.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I have been “broke” for so long, it struck a nerve with me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Because I have bought cigarettes for Kevin and have bought books and toys for <city w:st="on"><place w:st="on">Lincoln</place></city>.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It seems like when you are broke you are scrutinized for every little thing you buy or do.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>That you don’t need it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>That you shouldn’t treat yourself or anyone.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Because I have been broke forever, I feel guilty every time I buy something.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Why should I feel guilt and someone with money not?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It is OK for them to buy things not needed, but not me.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 10pt;">Same goes for my guilt over Kevin and everything else I feel guilty about.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Why because I have had so much taken away, and have so little, why when I get something or do anything that would make any other normal person feel good, I feel guilty.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I want my child to understand Need VS Want, but I don’t want him to feel guilt all the time like I do.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I want him to enjoy life and everything that is given to him and every opportunity he gets.</span></div>ashearhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01528410020137902538noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1137040231907109532.post-35692740892166728972011-02-14T06:28:00.000-08:002011-02-14T06:28:38.034-08:00Valentine's Day<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 10pt;">Being Catholic I know there were Christian martyrs named Valentine.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>One definition of martyr is a believer who is called to witness for their religious belief, and on account of the witness endures suffering and/or death.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Valentine is derived from Valens, which means worthy, strong and powerful. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>This all describes my Kevin.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Worthy, Strong, Powerful and a martyr.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Kevin endures much suffering.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I believe, because of my faith, that God chose Kevin because he is worthy, strong, powerful and called to witness for his religious belief.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Because of Kevin’s RSD, I have become more spiritual and closer to God.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And I have seen Kevin become more too.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 10pt;">I love Kevin very much and on Valentine’s Day we are supposed to express our love with cards, candy and flowers.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Those material things fade.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It is the day to day love that endures.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The expressions through actions mean more to me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The hug, the kiss, the grasp of the hand, the smile, the wink.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I get those every day from Kevin even when he is in so much pain.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Kevin can’t go to the store and buy me things.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Sure he could order on line, but we don’t have the money.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I know it upsets him that he can’t do that anymore for me. Yes those gestures were well received by me in our early days of our relationship.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But our relationship has evolved.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It is easy to call in a flower delivery or pick up a card at the store.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The hard stuff is that day to day.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Kevin lets me know every day how much he loves me, with his smiles and winks, and hugs and kisses and that grasp of my hand in a store or in the car.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>That is the real gift.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And he does this even through all his suffering.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 10pt;">This blog entry to tell Kevin that I love him and that I recognize and appreciate all he does for me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Those little things throughout the day, every day.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Not just on Valentine’s Day.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I thank God every day for bringing Kevin to me and me to Kevin.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 10pt;">I love you Kevin.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 10pt;">Happy Valentine’s Day</span></div>ashearhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01528410020137902538noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1137040231907109532.post-28027962491677078952011-02-09T08:35:00.000-08:002011-02-09T08:35:08.569-08:00Multi Family Dwelling<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 10pt;">I don’t know how Kevin’s mom and her husband do it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I don’t know how they put up with us invading their home and not lose their minds.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Things have been running pretty smoothly since we had to move in with them on December 31<sup>st</sup>.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I am very grateful to them for allowing us to live there and grateful for their seemingly unending patience. I am sure some days we are more tolerable than others.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We are on our 6<sup>th</sup> week living there.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We have fallen into a routine so to speak.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But that routine was disrupted with the recent blizzard that caused us to be cooped up together for days and now this cold snap and <city w:st="on"><place w:st="on">Lincoln</place></city> coming down with a nasty cold.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We are all finding our way within the routine even with the disruptions.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I seem to be struggling more with finding my way then the others in the house.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I miss having my own home.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I have my own space in the beautiful home we currently share with Kevin’s mom, Wendy and husband Jeff.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But it isn’t my home.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>What a blessing it is to have your own home to yourself.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I feel bad that we have taken that away from Wendy and Jeff.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 10pt;">I am feeling a disconnect with Kevin.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I work all day come home and retire to my own space.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Kevin has his space, <city w:st="on"><place w:st="on">Lincoln</place></city> and I have our own space.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Own space and own home are two different things.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And I am really missing not having my own home.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Got a taste of it last Sunday when we had the house to ourselves.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The three of us were not on top of one another the entire time, but we were still together, alone.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Nothing in the background to distract us from us.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I miss that.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I am sure Wendy and Jeff miss that too.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 10pt;">One would say, a solution to this problem, for me getting out of this funk, would be to go out on a family outing just me, Kevin and Lincoln.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But with Kevin’s RSD we can’t always do that.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Our outings are dictated by his pain levels and tolerance.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>This frigid weather is a killer for Kevin too.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>So we are really limited and restricted.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Sure Lincoln and I could go somewhere, but that isn’t what I want.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I want it to be all three of us.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And besides with <city w:st="on"><place w:st="on">Lincoln</place></city>’s cold this week, Lincoln and I can’t even do something outside of the house.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>So I am getting stir crazy.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 10pt;">Our current living situation is temporary.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I know that.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But how I am feeling this week, I don’t want Wendy and Jeff to feel that way and if they do, I hope it isn’t for much longer.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>That we can have our own home again soon.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div>ashearhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01528410020137902538noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1137040231907109532.post-37702295655996659912011-01-28T09:28:00.000-08:002011-01-28T09:28:23.060-08:00Waiting.....<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 10pt;">Kevin had 4 appointments yesterday with VA rating review doctors.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Kevin had to endure the 1-1/2 hour drive to <city w:st="on"><place w:st="on">North Chicago</place></city> and back, 4 doctors poking and prodding him and x-ray techs man handling him.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We left the house at 6am and didn’t get home until 4pm.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I was wiped emotionally, physically and mentally.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I can’t imagine how Kevin felt.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He basically collapsed when we got home.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The strength and will power Kevin has to fight through the pain to get this done.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>All the doctors concur, Kevin is 100% disabled and should be rated as such.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>That is the problem.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The doctors know it, we know it, but the people at the VA Compensation and Pension department do whatever they want despite what we all know.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 10pt;">The neurologist Dr. Hazelrigg, that saw Kevin yesterday was the same one he saw back in June when we went through the first appeals process.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The doctor couldn’t believe we were back.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He thought for sure Kevin would have gotten his benefits from his review.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Not the case.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>See the VA does not have a rating for RSD/CPRS so they rate it under whatever they feel like rating it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And they will pick something that yields the lowest rating possible.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Like in Kevin’s case, they rated him 10% for partial paralysis.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Kevin has limited mobility, but he isn’t paralyzed.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>So hence the 10%.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>So we had to express to these doctors yesterday that they need to chart on every symptom Kevin has because of his RSD.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Swelling, pitting of skin, muscle spasms, redness, anxiety, and depression just to name a few.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He will be rated on each of those secondary diagnosis instead of being rated just for RSD.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>This isn’t what we want or hoped for.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We hoped through the Chicago Tribune article and the VFW, the VA would be forced to have a rating schedule for RSD itself.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Not going to happen.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>So every other Vet that ends up having RSD, will go through this same BS that Kevin had to.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 10pt;">I realize now that the doctors aren’t the ones totally at fault in the VA it is the red tape that binds their hands.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Though I will still go on record that <city w:st="on"><place w:st="on">North Chicago</place></city> has some quack doctors on staff.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The Ortho doctor, Dr. Groves Kevin saw yesterday was off his rocker. And I don't want to spoil my blog with a bunch of o<span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 10pt; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA; mso-fareast-font-family: 'Times New Roman'; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;">bscenities</span> for Dr Shulmann in Neurology, who thank goodness was not the ratings doctor we saw yesterday. </span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 10pt;">The VA is so stupid.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>If they would just give RSD a rating, like they do for Fibromyalgia (50%) or Migraines (40%), they would get by a hell of a lot cheaper on paying out benefits then forcing all these secondary diagnosis to get a rating.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 10pt;">The thing is, I don’t even care about the money.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>No amount of money is going to cure Kevin.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>No amount of money is going to manage Kevin’s pain.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Sure money will take stress off of us, will allow us to outfit a home for his disability, will allow us to buy furniture to suit Kevin’s needs, but Kevin will still be in pain.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 10pt;">We want recognition for the disease and research for better treatment options.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But I guess no amount of money in the world will have that happen either.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Look at breast cancer and diabetes.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The billions of dollars raised and all the recognition for those diseases and they still haven’t come up with cures.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 10pt;">I guess this fighting the VA for benefits and fighting for SSDI has been a distraction.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It has been such a big part of our lives since September 2009.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>When it is all said and done, will we be any better off?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Financially maybe.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But Kevin won’t be better off.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He will still suffer daily with pain.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>ashearhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01528410020137902538noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1137040231907109532.post-8742087728008031642011-01-20T07:02:00.000-08:002011-01-20T07:02:31.319-08:00Policies and Procedures<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 10pt;">Well we made our trek to the <place w:st="on"><city w:st="on">Milwaukee</city> <state w:st="on">VA</state></place> yesterday to get some help in getting Kevin’s pain under control.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It was to make up for the appointment we missed last week when Kevin ended up in the ER instead.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The appointment didn’t go as well as we had hoped.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Right out of the gate it seemed like the doctor had an attitude to us and was bothered to deal with us.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Kevin is in a wheelchair writhing in pain and the doctor shows no compassion.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Says “so I see you were in the ER last week”.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Yes, so what are you going to do about it? I thought to myself.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The doctor, who is Kevin’s primary care doctor, says, “I don’t know what I can do for you…I am not a pain specialist…the Pain Clinic would know more”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>So Kevin asks the doctor to call the pain clinic.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And the doctor says “I can’t do that, I have to put a note in the system”.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We ask that he put the note in the system then.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But it wasn’t going to help us with our immediate problem of Kevin suffering in severe pain.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 10pt;">See with the VA there are A LOT of policies and procedures.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>In Kevin’s case, the Pain Clinic is the one that prescribes meds that work with the nervous system to alleviate nerve pain.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And there are procedures that need to be followed.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>They have to try drugs on a list and keep going through that list in a specific order until they find one that works. So Kevin has run through the trials of Neurontin (Gabapentin), Topiramate (Topamax) and now Venlafaxine (Effexor) just to name a few.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And the trials aren’t for a few weeks.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Well unless you have a severe reaction to it like Kevin did with Topiramate, then the trial of the drug is stopped.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The doctors will put you on a low dosage and you try that for a few weeks, then they titrate you up in dosage.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>So the trials of a drug that are having no positive affects on you could last for months.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>In the meantime, Kevin is suffering with extreme pain. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But the pain clinic doesn’t prescribe pain meds (narcotics).<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>So what is a patient supposed to do while they are in a trial of a med prescribed by the Pain Clinic that has no positive affects?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>According to the VA, go to your primary care doctor for pain meds.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>So that is what we did, went to the primary care doctor to get more pain meds and we get the ” I don’t know what to do, I am not a pain specialist”.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Vicious circle.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 10pt;">In frustration, my water works start and I lose it with the doctor.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Kevin is suffering in pain stuck in the middle of this pissing match between the pain clinic and the primary care doctor of how to treat him.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The primary care did cave and prescribed more pain meds for Kevin.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>They put him back on Fentanyl patches.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He was on them before he got his nerve stimulator implant.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And he was weaned off them by the pain clinic before his implant surgery.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Fentanyl is a nasty drug to get weaned off of.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It is VERY difficult to do.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Fentanyl patches are prescribed to people in Hospice.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>So it is a double edged sword.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Kevin gets some relief from the Fentanyl, but we don’t want him on it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And I am sure when we go to his next Pain Clinic appointment in March they will be less than thrilled that Kevin is back on them.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But what are we supposed to do.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Kevin can't live like he is living.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>ER trips were becoming more frequent.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The pain outbreaks were getting more severe.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The RSD has spread to his arm and the doctors don’t have any sense of urgency to work on a resolution. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It is sick and inhumane, to let people suffer all because of policy and procedures.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
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</div>ashearhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01528410020137902538noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1137040231907109532.post-59814852562101060942011-01-17T11:43:00.000-08:002011-01-17T11:43:55.894-08:00Self Promotion<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 10pt;">In these times of facebook and blogs, it has become self promotion.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Even my blog can be considered self promoting.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Look at me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Look what I have gone through.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Look what I deal with.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Look how strong I am.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Look how special I am.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Feel sorry for me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Pray for me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Censoring myself, only putting out there what I want people to see.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I am ashamed of myself.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Just because I went through what I went through and came out of it OK, doesn’t make me any more special than anyone else.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I didn’t get through it alone.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>God walked with me, holding my hand.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 10pt;">Chatting with a good friend of mine today, I realized how I need to work on my inner harmony.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Work on my soul.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Not worry about who hears or sees, but worry about what I am saying or doing.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Because God hears and sees all.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I am not fooling him.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 10pt;">This blog entry is coming about because of something I said this weekend.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And how I was more worked up about who might have heard it, than actually saying it or doing it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I was calling my church to inquire about a food pantry drop off.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I got their messaging service and was just about to leave a message when <city w:st="on"><place w:st="on">Lincoln</place></city> turned the TV on full blast.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Well a bunch of expletives came out of my mouth and I yelled at him.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I then realized I still had my phone in my hand and panicked that my scream fest was recorded on my church’s answering machine.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And what I got upset about was not that I yelled at my child for no reason, or the words that came out of my mouth were bad, I was upset that my church would have heard me say it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It shouldn’t matter who heard it, I shouldn’t have done it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Because God hears and sees all.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 10pt;">Don’t beat myself up over that, right? I have a lot on my plate.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I am stressed.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Well that is no excuse.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Just because I am going through a lot does not give me a pass to say or do something I shouldn’t.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I needed to get knocked off my pedestal.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Because I deal with all I deal with and manage to get through it, I got a superiority complex.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Look at me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Look how special I am.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Look how strong I am.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>My blog was meant for RSD support and it turned into self promotion. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It wasn’t my intention.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Just became self consumed in all my problems.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I am sorry for that.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div>ashearhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01528410020137902538noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1137040231907109532.post-68152383936263964662011-01-13T10:50:00.000-08:002011-01-13T10:50:08.038-08:00"Have you had suicidal thoughts?"Have you had suicidal thoughts? "No..but the last couple of days I have been thinking, I have had enough". That is the conversation I overheard last night in the emergency room between the doctor and my husband. And it rocked me. I lost it. Tears welling up, I turn away so no one can see me cry. <br />
<br />
It was supposed to be just a doctor appt in Milwaukee to re-evaluate Kevin's pain meds. Instead it became a 6 hour emergency room event. Kevin had thrown up, lost bladder control and was blacking out on the way to Milwaukee, so calls to the doctors and we were told go directly to the ER. They were scrambling when we got there trying to find a place to put Kevin, trying to do something to help him before a doctor was available to prescribe something for the pain. We were put in a supply room. So there were people coming and going in the room for supplies. All looking at Kevin and giving that look of pity and saying "I will see how they are coming with those pain meds". It is hard to watch your loved one suffer like that. He was clenching his teeth so hard he chipped a tooth. <br />
<br />
Finally the pain meds came. His spasming leg subsided, his hands which were fists and his clenched jaw relaxed. Ahh relief. They were talking about admitting into the hospital. We just wanted to go home. So two hours go by, "how are you doing?" the nurse asks. Kevin says "the pain is starting to get uncomfortable". Off the nurse goes, comes back with a syringe and plunges it into his IV. "I will check on you later". Another hour goes by and same thing. We just want to go home. Finally they give the OK for us to leave. A feeling of relief comes over me. Then a feeling of worry. Maybe he should have stayed. What if something happens on the 1-1/2 hour drive home. <br />
<br />
I was getting so tense driving home. My neck and back were killing me. The headache settles in. I end up waking up with the same, so decide to call off work to decompress. It is helping me mentally to be home with Kevin today. He is doing much better than yesterday. Relaxed as he can be in pain all day.<br />
<br />
What a wild ride yesterday was. To feel so helpless and scared. Relying on people you don't even know anything about to take care of your loved one. I am just relieved we are home, safe and sound.ashearhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01528410020137902538noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1137040231907109532.post-48007879347512712592011-01-10T11:57:00.000-08:002011-01-10T11:57:42.395-08:00Waking up time<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 10pt;">My son Lincoln wakes me up on the weekends by saying “it is waking up time mommy”.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Yesterday in church during the homily, I found my mind wandering to other things than what the gospel was about.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><city w:st="on"><place w:st="on">Lincoln</place></city> looks up at me and says “it is waking up time”.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I know he said it because of the sun shining through the windows and he was fighting falling asleep, but it really spoke to me, that I need to wake up and focus and listen.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 10pt;">I have been away from my blog for awhile all caught up in my crazed life.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Kevin’s RSD, our recent move and the holidays.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I have had time to decompress and really reflect on my life and how fortunate I am.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>God gave me the good things and the bad things so I could experience life fully.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It is hard to watch Kevin suffer in pain daily, but to be witness to his strength is amazing.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And I get the opportunity to show my strength and my support.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Those are blessings too.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 10pt;">In times of crisis people always come to help and offer prayers.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But when it is a chronic illness that goes on forever, never goes away, some people forget and fall away.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Then when you give a window into your life, like the Chicago Tribune article and video, some people pull away, not knowing what to say or do.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>They treat you differently because they don’t want to upset you, or burden you with anything else because “you got enough going on”.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>You become that elephant in the room.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 10pt;">It is waking up time for everyone in my life.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Kevin is disabled with RSD.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He will always be disabled.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It isn’t going away or going to get better.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Please don’t pull away or avoid or be afraid of what to say or do.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I need all of you in my life now more than ever.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I want to be there for you in your good times and in your bad.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>ashearhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01528410020137902538noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1137040231907109532.post-44317780031292282202010-12-06T09:50:00.000-08:002010-12-06T09:50:56.347-08:00Marriage<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 10pt;">In church yesterday, it was announced that the Rockford Catholic Diocese has dedicated 2011 as Marriage-Building year.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Normally an announcement like that would go on deaf ears for me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But the timeliness of it, after only finding out a few days before that a friend’s marriage was ending, I listened.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>A statement in particular caught my attention.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The statement of how much God loves me that he gave me the love I have in marriage.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>No truer of a statement could that be.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Too often you hear of marriages failing.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>They hit bumps in the road and just call it quits.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Or they never do get married, because they think they don’t need to.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>An easy out.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Marriage is an important sacrament in the Catholic church, but it is important in the secular world too.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The bond and commitment one has with another and to solidify it with marriage is a wonderful thing to do.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>My married life has not been all wine and roses, but I can’t imagine my life without Kevin.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We argue and fight over the same things most couples do. But unlike most couples we are dealing with Kevin’s RSD.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>That in itself is a huge hurdle.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The Kevin I first met, is not the Kevin today.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He has evolved.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Evolved into one amazingly person.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I can sit and cry about lost times/things.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Or I can look at the gift God gave me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>How blessed I am that I crossed paths that night I met Kevin.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>That night changed my life forever.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Kevin might not be able to do the physical things he could do back then, but he does far more for me now then he did then.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I am a better person now because of his struggle with RSD.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He has made me a better person, a better friend, a better mother and a better wife.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I am still a work in progress, but I am on the right track because of my marriage to Kevin.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 10pt;">Regardless of the outcomes of Kevin’s interview with the Chicago Tribune today, or the disability claims he has been fighting for, it is Kevin that I care about.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I want him to succeed, but even if he falls, I will be there to pick him back up.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I want him to be pain free or at least have his pain managed, but if it doesn’t happen, I won’t leave.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>God gave me to Kevin and Kevin to me because he loved us so much.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>How could I walk away from that?</span></div>ashearhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01528410020137902538noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1137040231907109532.post-61648577149116390202010-12-03T09:16:00.000-08:002010-12-03T09:16:22.356-08:00What a differene a day makesYesterday I was all down in the dumps feeling sorry for myself and today I realize despite everything I got going on I am so lucky to have what I have. I have a beautitful son and a wonderful husband and God. As long as I have them, there isn't anything I can't do.ashearhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01528410020137902538noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1137040231907109532.post-76102836783719449152010-12-02T12:48:00.000-08:002010-12-02T12:48:32.159-08:00Drained<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 10pt;">I haven’t posted in a while, because I am exhausted, empty and drained.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 10pt;">So much going on this month.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>New added responsibilities at work.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Kevin’s mom unavailable to watch <city w:st="on"><place w:st="on">Lincoln</place></city> while I am at work for two weeks.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Scrambling to get people to help Kevin with that.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Kevin’s dad coming for a few days.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Kevin’s daughter coming for a visit.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Kevin being interviewed by the Chicago Tribune.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Christmas looming.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>So much going on.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 10pt;">Today I came to reality that in 30 days we will be saying goodbye to our home.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>So I had an anxiety attack about packing, storing, moving etc.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Kevin calmed me down.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But now I am just down.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>ashearhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01528410020137902538noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1137040231907109532.post-85957119614239530952010-11-23T09:58:00.000-08:002010-11-23T09:58:26.906-08:00Thank you Kevin<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 10pt;">There is more to Kevin than RSD.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>RSD didn’t make him the person he is today, it has definitely made an impact, but it isn’t what he is all about.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I hate that his RSD overshadows everything else.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He was special before the RSD; the RSD just enhances how amazing he is and can be.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I don’t have any special talents that I know of.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I am not musically inclined.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I can’t write for shit.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>My career path is not an exciting one, Staff Accountant at a non-profit.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> Oh boy exciting stuff. :) </span>But with Kevin, music and writing just seemed to come easily for him.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He would hear a song and be able to play it within 15 minutes.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He has read so many works; he can quote from all genres.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I can quote Seinfeld episodes and that is about it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It is sickening how quickly he can master something, like the beautiful chainmail he made for our wedding.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>All the things he does, I would be spending every waking hour praising him for it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It can get tiring to do that. LOL.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 10pt;">He continues to do all the things he did before the RSD, except for the chainmail, and it is even more amazing because he does it through his pain and suffering.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>His music and writing have more depth because of his RSD.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Because he is so talented and does so many things well, it is like olfactory fatigue setting in for me and I forget to praise or acknowledge all that he does.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It doesn’t mean that I don’t realize it and appreciate it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I just forget or am consumed in something else, work, <city w:st="on"><place w:st="on">Lincoln</place></city>, life in general.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We all need to be reminded to do things now and then.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And I might need to be reminded more than others with everything going on in my life.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 10pt;">I grew up not getting that constant praise, so it is hard for me to dole it out.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It doesn’t come naturally for me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I did grow up with a lot of love and attention.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>So I show my appreciation for things less with words, but more with actions.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Words can get me in trouble.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>People misinterpret them at times.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I can have the best intentions and get slammed for saying something.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Facebook has been a killer for me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>So many times I post something so innocent and get blasted for it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Now I have become a facebook lurker.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I read everyone’s posts and look at pics, but hesitant to say much for fear of repercussions.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 10pt;">I am writing this blog today, because I was reminded that I wasn’t really paying attention to all the things Kevin was doing and has done.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>All the little things that are making a difference in his life and so many others.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>In this time of Thanksgiving, I am reminded to thank my husband for all he has done for me and our family.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>To thank him for continuing the fight even though there are days he is in so much pain he just can’t take it anymore.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I want him to know I do realize and appreciate all he is and does. </span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 10pt;">Thank you Kevin. I love you so very much.</span></div>ashearhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01528410020137902538noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1137040231907109532.post-43221628730011488962010-11-22T06:53:00.000-08:002010-11-22T06:53:55.921-08:00Suffering and Love<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 10pt;">There was something said in church Sunday that really struck me to the core.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>That it was never said that we would be without pain and suffering, only that we would never be without love.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>God loved us so much that he sent Jesus to suffer along with us.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Pure unending love.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 10pt;">So I thought about that in regards to my own life and found comfort in that line of reasoning.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We all suffer and have pain, some people more than others.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But we are never without love, whether it be our spouses, our friends, our families, or God.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Through that love, we can push on.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 10pt;">This weekend, I saw that true love that Jesus showed us in Kevin.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He suffered for the sake of giving me some alone time, by walking over to the neighbors with <city w:st="on"><place w:st="on">Lincoln</place></city> and hung out with them.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I am not saying spending time with the neighbors is suffering in anyway.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>They are amazing, wonderful people, but that he gave up the comfort of his home (well as comfortable as it can be considering his condition) to give me time alone at home.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Then Saturday night he went with his brother and his brother’s girlfriend to a bar to watch UFC.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Again, spending time with his brother and his brother’s girlfriend is not suffering, but sitting on a hard wood stool for 3 hrs is, especially when you have RSD.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Kevin really paid the price for all of that on Sunday.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He was miserable.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Kills me to see him like that and not be able to do anything.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; text-align: justify;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 10pt;">Anyway, the sermon at church was very timely for me about suffering and love, because I needed a smack in the face.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Saturday night, the ugly green monster came out of me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I was home with <city w:st="on"><place w:st="on">Lincoln</place></city> while Kevin was out watching UFC.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I love UFC, it was always something Kevin and I watched together.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And I am sitting there feeling sorry for myself and jealous that I didn’t get to go too.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Then getting upset knowing that Kevin would wear himself out and be in so much pain the next day.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Wishing Kevin could do more things with me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Being selfish, wanting Kevin to myself.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Not wanting him to wear himself out with everyone else.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Then I got upset with myself for thinking that way at all.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Just a vicious circle.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; text-align: justify;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; text-align: justify;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 10pt;">So hearing those words in church made me realize some things in myself and in my life.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I am not lacking in love and no matter what happens in my life, love is always there.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>What a comforting thought.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Makes me smile.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; text-align: justify;"><br />
</div>ashearhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01528410020137902538noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1137040231907109532.post-10827977733235330812010-11-19T12:38:00.000-08:002010-11-19T12:38:22.277-08:00The New Poor<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 10pt;">I just love applying for financial assistance.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Always a pleasant experience to see in black and white how bad off you are.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Not!!!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I spent the morning filling out forms once again trying to prove our financial need for assistance. This time for a grant through the American Legion that Kevin’s contact at the VFW told us about.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It is so frustrating to fill this stuff out, knowing you probably won’t qualify.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>They take your GROSS income not your NET.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>So apparently the taxes and medical insurance premiums that come out of my check somehow are available to me to buy groceries and pay bills every month.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>How do you figure that?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And when recording expenses, you can only include monthly recurring ones. So this does not include our $6000 family medical insurance deductible that basically makes us have to pay out of pocket 100% for all doctor’s visits, and because we don’t go to the doctor monthly, not considered “recurring”.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>You are only supposed to include food as a monthly expense, not toiletries, personal care items or diapers or laundry and cleaning supplies.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The only utilities they count are gas, water and electric.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>No phone, internet and God forbid cable.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Car payments are also not considered into the figuring for most assistance programs like WIC or Food Stamps. </span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 10pt;">So we are the new poor.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Make too much to qualify for assistance and don’t make enough to live on our own.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Hence come January 1<sup>st</sup> we have to give up our apartment and move in with Kevin’s mom.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I am grateful we have a place to go, but frustrated and sad that it has to come to that.</span></div>ashearhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01528410020137902538noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1137040231907109532.post-49198463177398925972010-11-18T09:03:00.000-08:002010-11-18T09:03:43.517-08:00Flashback<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 10pt;">Here we are again, coming on to the holidays and I am flashing back to the depression of last year when Kevin was mentally breaking down from the pain, not knowing what was going on fully or what was going to happen to him or us.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Holidays are stressful as it is, add an illness into the mix that baffles everyone including doctors and you are in for a hum dinger of a stressful ride into depression.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 10pt;">Kevin had a very intense pain day yesterday.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>So much so that it affected his cognitive functioning.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He had no memory of the last days or weeks.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Was disconnected, agitated, scared and depressed.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I hadn’t seen that scared look in his eyes since last year at this time when we were dealing with the <place w:st="on"><city w:st="on">North Chicago</city> <state w:st="on">VA</state></place> and feeling helpless.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>So I flashed back and started tearing up.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>For my own sanity, I blocked those events of last year from my mind.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Seeing him in the state he was in yesterday brought it all back to the surface.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Of course I don’t remember any of the good times of last year’s holidays.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>That is all a complete blank.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I do remember however, Kevin’s pain, tears, fears and depression.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We didn’t know what to do, where to turn, who was going to help, or if anything was going to help.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 10pt;">When Kevin got his nerve stimulator implant in March things were looking up.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Finally we had a solution.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But it was short lived, two months later, he was right back to where he was before.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The doctors basically said there is nothing more they can do and just prescribe more narcotics for the pain.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Now they want him to try Lyrica.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We have all seen the commercials on TV for it and all the side effects.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I have read on line too, how it makes it difficult to walk and concentrate.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>A feeling of being stoned.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It is like they are drugging him so much that he will be so out of it he won’t realize he is in pain.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 10pt;">I don’t want a drugged out Kevin,.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I know he doesn’t want that either.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He would lose his ability to play music, write, read, game, and just simply interact normally with people.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But what is the alternative, having so much pain, that it affects your cognitive functioning?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>So again, we have come full circle of where we were at last year at this time.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Kevin is so much pain and we don’t know what to do, where to turn and who or what is going to help. </span></div>ashearhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01528410020137902538noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1137040231907109532.post-28339299743245009072010-11-15T10:41:00.000-08:002010-11-15T10:47:53.093-08:00Support GroupI have never been much of a support group type person, then again my only experience with them have been weight loss groups. I just assumed support groups were just a group of people bitching and complaining about what they no longer have and what a struggle it is for them. <br />
<br />
When Kevin's RSD hit in September 2009, I was doing all kinds of research I could to find out about the disease. Then the holidays were coming and the stress and depression for both of us settled in. I sought out support and found a support group based out of Alexian Brothers Hospital in Elk Grove Village. I was very familiar with the hospital as my sister works there. So because I was familiar, I was comfortable in going there for a support group. I had been chatting via email with the groups founder, Edwina Schaeffer and without ever knowing what she looked like, as soon as I walked in the meeting, I know who was Edwina. She has this pure sweetness about her. Kind, giving. She suffers from RSD as well. Her husband, Bob was there too and everyone attending introduced themselves to me. They were thrilled that a family member of an RSD sufferer came out to learn more. They are all amazing people and because of them I came home with hope. RSD wasn't the end of road, just a turn in our journey of life. <br />
<br />
It is amazing how a group that is meant to support the people with RSD, provided me support as one who is living with, loving and caring for someone with RSD. When you as so close to the person suffering, it is hard to see outside of your little world. Through the support group I see the other faces of RSD. I hear how they live with it, how they manage it and how their families deal with it all. Unfortunately for some, their RSD proved to be the breaking point in their relationships. Some divorced, some just deal with no support from spouses, children, friends or family. One person said 10 years ago he was on the verge of suicide and found this support group and it saved his life. He realized he wasn't alone anymore. He never misses a meeting. I met a woman yesterday that commended me for supporting Kevin, because her husband and own children don't support her. Her niece was there as her support. Some people just can't grasp or deal with a loved one suffering. And they push that loved one away. Close themselves off to them. Maybe to protect themselves. But by doing that, they miss out on the blessings it can provide. They miss out on how it challenges you. How it can bring you closer.<br />
<br />
So for all you nay sayers out there about support groups, give them a shot. You never know what you will get out of it until you check it out for yourself.ashearhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01528410020137902538noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1137040231907109532.post-30767489470205497712010-11-11T06:09:00.000-08:002010-11-11T06:09:16.092-08:00Self Pity<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 10pt;">Reading through my blogs I noticed a trend, me feeling sorry for myself.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>My husband reminded me of a poem once called “Self Pity” by DH Lawrence.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“I never saw a wild thing sorry for itself.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>A small bird will drop frozen dead from a bough without ever having felt sorry for itself.”</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 10pt;">I complained about being “caught in the middle”, but I was the one putting myself there.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I was trying to “keep the peace” in a war that didn’t exist.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>My lack of understanding of other people’s relationships, caused me to try and “fix things”.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I realized, I am part of the problem.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I need to listen more and talk less.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I need to accept things and not change them.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 10pt;">Me crying, worrying, stressing, complaining about all that is going on in my life, isn’t doing any good.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It is making the situation worse. </span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 10pt;">Some days, weeks, even months, it seems I dwell on all the negative and not any of the positive.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Negativity is a virus.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It just spreads.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But positivity can spread too.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Why would I choose the negative over the positive?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It doesn’t make me feel better.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Makes me feel worse.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Why would I want to feel worse?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>What will come of it?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>What am I expecting to happen by being negative?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 10pt;">I say that I am pulling away from people and feel alone because I don’t want to be the downer.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>That if I tell them what is going on in my life that it would make them pity me, so I don’t I don’t say anything at all.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And that because I don’t say anything I don’t get any empathy.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>What the hell.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I need to get over myself.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I chose to dwell on the negative.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>If I would think of only the positive in my life, I would have all kinds of things to tell people.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And I do have a lot of positive in my life.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I wouldn’t feel alone.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I say that some people pull away from me because they can’t handle what is going on in my life.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>They can’t “deal with it”.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I don’t want to “deal with it” sometimes, why would I think anyone else would.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Why would I even bring up all the bad?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Well to get a full picture of my life, I kind of have to. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Vows read at weddings can be used in all my relationships…in good times and in bad, in sickness and in health, for richer or poorer.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I was discrediting my friends and family, deciding for them what they can and cannot handle in my life.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Picking and choosing what to tell them, to save them the grief.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>That wasn’t fair to them or me.</span></div>ashearhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01528410020137902538noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1137040231907109532.post-4979928823713751852010-11-05T11:37:00.000-07:002010-11-05T11:37:05.488-07:00Empathy<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 10pt;">Empathy is an interesting word.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“Put yourself in someone else’s shoes”. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I try to do that all the time.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I wonder if anyone is ever empathetic to me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Put themselves in my shoes.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I don’t have a disease.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I am healthy as far as I know.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I don’t have pain other than an occasional migraine or the tendonitis in my shoulder acting up.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>So because they see me as perfectly fine, I don’t need empathy?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I am not talking pity.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>No one wants to be pitied.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I am talking about an understanding of what I might be going through.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>To stop and think that maybe there is more going on than meets the eye.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>So if someone doesn’t complain and moan about their lives, no one will ever show them empathy?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>If they aren’t sick, they don’t need empathy?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Do I even deserve empathy because I don’t suffer?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I try to be a strong person.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I don’t like to complain.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I don’t like people knowing all my business.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>So because of that, when I am overwhelmed and overloaded, I feel all alone.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I sit at work crying in my office and no one really knows what is going on.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It is work, trying to be professional.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I don’t want to bother my friends with all my shit, because I don’t want to be a downer or a burden,<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Not mention I don’t want to dwell on the bad and negative either.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I don’t let my husband know all that races through my mind either, because how can what I am going through compare to what he is with his RSD.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 10pt;">So today when I am dealing with my mom being put into a nursing home, I am getting hit with phone calls from Kevin and his mom, both telling me that each other should show compassion for what they are going through.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And I sit here thinking what about me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>So I listen and try to understand and try to be the mediator and all it does is upset them more.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“Caught in the middle” so to speak.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I am left to just worry.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Worry about my son who is also caught in the middle of it all.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And stuck at work helpless.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 10pt;">Well I did get empathy, but not from whom I was expecting, but from someone who just happened to have the misfortune to email me when all this shit was going on. LOL This person is no stranger to RSD.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She just so happens to be the founder of the RSD Support group in <state w:st="on"><place w:st="on">Illinois</place></state>.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Having RSD, she knows first hand what family members deal with, struggle with and stress about. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She listened, showed empathy and told me how proud she was of me for how well I am handling all I am dealing with right now.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>So thank you Edwina.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>ashearhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01528410020137902538noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1137040231907109532.post-1480844359766847552010-11-02T09:51:00.000-07:002010-11-02T09:51:15.252-07:00God only gives us what we can handle.....<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 10pt;">As they say, God only gives us what we can handle.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Does God think I am superhuman?</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 10pt;">It isn’t enough that my husband is disabled from chronic pain.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It isn’t enough that we are losing our home because Social Security and the VA denied Kevin his disability benefits.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It isn’t enough that I have to deal with the usual work bullshit.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Now my mom is in the hospital too.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And they don’t know what is wrong with her.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I know my mom can’t be around forever, but it doesn’t make it any easier to deal with that fact.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 10pt;">I feel helpless and out of control.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I guess that is God’s point to prove.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>That I am not in control of my life, he is.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 10pt;">Some days it is easier to handle all the shit that is thrown my way and some days it isn’t.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Today is one of those days it isn’t.</span></div>ashearhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01528410020137902538noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1137040231907109532.post-56557865463762201122010-10-27T05:59:00.000-07:002010-10-27T05:59:04.981-07:00Emotional Intelligence<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 10pt;">My company has these “lunch and learn” things that are provided by ComPsych Guidance Resources.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Yesterday I attended one on Emotional Intelligence.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The “target” audience was anyone interested in improving self-awareness, emotional control and ability to relate to others.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Well I knew I needed help in the emotional control department so I decided to attend.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Found out I need help in all the areas.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I am not at the top of the curve on emotional intelligence, but I am not at the bottom either.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I am kind of in the middle. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 10pt;">Someone with high emotional intelligence is self aware and self confident.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Has self control, adaptable to change, achievement oriented, optimistic.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Someone with emotional intelligence is empathic, can manage conflicts is influential and inspirational.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Can collaborate and is concerned with developing others.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 10pt;">One of the components of self awareness is being emotionally transparent.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I have always prided myself on being transparent, “what you see is what you get”.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But to me that “what you see is what you get” meant I had a cop out to never improve myself.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We are all works in progress.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And just when you think you got it all together, something comes your way that changes up your game plan.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I believe those things that come our way to change our “game plan” are there for a reason, to show us that we didn’t have it all together like we thought we did and we need to work on ourselves.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>How well we adapt to those changes shows how emotionally intelligent we are.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 10pt;">This “lunch and learn” was a very timely one for me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It is all stuff I have heard before, but hearing it in a different form, really opened my eyes to all the areas I need improvement.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Like I said, I always knew I had issues with emotional control.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I tend to fly off the handle instead of getting my emotions in check first.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But emotional control is just a small fraction of emotional intelligence.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Kevin’s RSD really brings into light where I am lacking in emotional intelligence.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 10pt;">Our lives were turned upside down September 2009 with Kevin’s RSD.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And I didn’t handle the life changes very well.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I was angry, feeling sorry for myself.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Thinking only of myself and how Kevin’s RSD was affecting me, everything that I had to do or couldn’t do, all the added responsibility on my plate, financially and personally.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I was lacking the empathy Kevin needed.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I needed to walk in his shoes.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I needed to put myself in his position.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Once I started doing that I started to adapt to the life changes, I became more optimistic and was managing conflicts better.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Oh sure I slip (and slip often), but I am definitely a more self aware person than I was a year ago.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I am in a better place in my heart and in my head.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I realize what is most important in life.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>A year ago, I would have thought I was conceding and needed to be more assertive.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But I realize now for the good of myself and my family and Kevin, I needed to get my emotions in check.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I needed to be more empathic.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I needed to be more optimistic.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 10pt;">I want my emotional intelligence to improve.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I want to be influential and inspirational to my son Lincoln.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I want him to grow up to have a high Emotional-Intelligence Quotient.</span></div>ashearhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01528410020137902538noreply@blogger.com0