Flashback

Here we are again, coming on to the holidays and I am flashing back to the depression of last year when Kevin was mentally breaking down from the pain, not knowing what was going on fully or what was going to happen to him or us.  Holidays are stressful as it is, add an illness into the mix that baffles everyone including doctors and you are in for a hum dinger of a stressful ride into depression.

Kevin had a very intense pain day yesterday.  So much so that it affected his cognitive functioning.  He had no memory of the last days or weeks.  Was disconnected, agitated, scared and depressed.  I hadn’t seen that scared look in his eyes since last year at this time when we were dealing with the North Chicago VA and feeling helpless.  So I flashed back and started tearing up.  For my own sanity, I blocked those events of last year from my mind.  Seeing him in the state he was in yesterday brought it all back to the surface.  Of course I don’t remember any of the good times of last year’s holidays.  That is all a complete blank.  I do remember however, Kevin’s pain, tears, fears and depression.  We didn’t know what to do, where to turn, who was going to help, or if anything was going to help.

When Kevin got his nerve stimulator implant in March things were looking up.  Finally we had a solution.  But it was short lived, two months later, he was right back to where he was before.  The doctors basically said there is nothing more they can do and just prescribe more narcotics for the pain.  Now they want him to try Lyrica.  We have all seen the commercials on TV for it and all the side effects.  I have read on line too, how it makes it difficult to walk and concentrate.  A feeling of being stoned.  It is like they are drugging him so much that he will be so out of it he won’t realize he is in pain.

I don’t want a drugged out Kevin,.  I know he doesn’t want that either.  He would lose his ability to play music, write, read, game, and just simply interact normally with people.  But what is the alternative, having so much pain, that it affects your cognitive functioning?  So again, we have come full circle of where we were at last year at this time.  Kevin is so much pain and we don’t know what to do, where to turn and who or what is going to help.