Self Pity

Reading through my blogs I noticed a trend, me feeling sorry for myself.  My husband reminded me of a poem once called “Self Pity” by DH Lawrence.  “I never saw a wild thing sorry for itself.  A small bird will drop frozen dead from a bough without ever having felt sorry for itself.”

I complained about being “caught in the middle”, but I was the one putting myself there.  I was trying to “keep the peace” in a war that didn’t exist.  My lack of understanding of other people’s relationships, caused me to try and “fix things”.  I realized, I am part of the problem.  I need to listen more and talk less.  I need to accept things and not change them.

Me crying, worrying, stressing, complaining about all that is going on in my life, isn’t doing any good.  It is making the situation worse.

Some days, weeks, even months, it seems I dwell on all the negative and not any of the positive.  Negativity is a virus.  It just spreads.  But positivity can spread too.  Why would I choose the negative over the positive?  It doesn’t make me feel better.  Makes me feel worse.  Why would I want to feel worse?  What will come of it?  What am I expecting to happen by being negative? 

I say that I am pulling away from people and feel alone because I don’t want to be the downer.  That if I tell them what is going on in my life that it would make them pity me, so I don’t I don’t say anything at all.  And that because I don’t say anything I don’t get any empathy.  What the hell.  I need to get over myself.  I chose to dwell on the negative.  If I would think of only the positive in my life, I would have all kinds of things to tell people.  And I do have a lot of positive in my life.  I wouldn’t feel alone.  I say that some people pull away from me because they can’t handle what is going on in my life.  They can’t “deal with it”.   I don’t want to “deal with it” sometimes, why would I think anyone else would.  Why would I even bring up all the bad?  Well to get a full picture of my life, I kind of have to.  Vows read at weddings can be used in all my relationships…in good times and in bad, in sickness and in health, for richer or poorer.  I was discrediting my friends and family, deciding for them what they can and cannot handle in my life.  Picking and choosing what to tell them, to save them the grief.  That wasn’t fair to them or me.