Emotional Intelligence

My company has these “lunch and learn” things that are provided by ComPsych Guidance Resources.  Yesterday I attended one on Emotional Intelligence.  The “target” audience was anyone interested in improving self-awareness, emotional control and ability to relate to others.  Well I knew I needed help in the emotional control department so I decided to attend.  Found out I need help in all the areas.  I am not at the top of the curve on emotional intelligence, but I am not at the bottom either.  I am kind of in the middle.  

Someone with high emotional intelligence is self aware and self confident.  Has self control, adaptable to change, achievement oriented, optimistic.  Someone with emotional intelligence is empathic, can manage conflicts is influential and inspirational.  Can collaborate and is concerned with developing others. 

One of the components of self awareness is being emotionally transparent.  I have always prided myself on being transparent, “what you see is what you get”.  But to me that “what you see is what you get” meant I had a cop out to never improve myself.  We are all works in progress.  And just when you think you got it all together, something comes your way that changes up your game plan.  I believe those things that come our way to change our “game plan” are there for a reason, to show us that we didn’t have it all together like we thought we did and we need to work on ourselves.  How well we adapt to those changes shows how emotionally intelligent we are.

This “lunch and learn” was a very timely one for me.  It is all stuff I have heard before, but hearing it in a different form, really opened my eyes to all the areas I need improvement.  Like I said, I always knew I had issues with emotional control.  I tend to fly off the handle instead of getting my emotions in check first.  But emotional control is just a small fraction of emotional intelligence.  Kevin’s RSD really brings into light where I am lacking in emotional intelligence.

Our lives were turned upside down September 2009 with Kevin’s RSD.  And I didn’t handle the life changes very well.  I was angry, feeling sorry for myself.  Thinking only of myself and how Kevin’s RSD was affecting me, everything that I had to do or couldn’t do, all the added responsibility on my plate, financially and personally.  I was lacking the empathy Kevin needed.  I needed to walk in his shoes.  I needed to put myself in his position.  Once I started doing that I started to adapt to the life changes, I became more optimistic and was managing conflicts better.  Oh sure I slip (and slip often), but I am definitely a more self aware person than I was a year ago.  I am in a better place in my heart and in my head.  I realize what is most important in life.  A year ago, I would have thought I was conceding and needed to be more assertive.  But I realize now for the good of myself and my family and Kevin, I needed to get my emotions in check.  I needed to be more empathic.  I needed to be more optimistic.

I want my emotional intelligence to improve.  I want to be influential and inspirational to my son Lincoln.  I want him to grow up to have a high Emotional-Intelligence Quotient.

I Hate Smoking

I Hate Smoking

Smoking drives me nuts.  I am not a smoker.  Tried it once in college and a guy told me I looked ridiculous and I never did it again.  My dad smoked cigars.  And it drove me nuts.  I hated the smell.  He would purposefully light one up right after I would take a shower to get ready to go out.  Making my hair get all stinky.  Funny how now I enjoy a good Macanudo every now and then.  He is probably smiling from his grave on that one.  I vowed never to date or even consider marrying a smoker.  Knowing that fact, on the night I met Kevin, my sister pointed out to me that “he smokes”.  When Kevin and I started dating, Kevin started the process of trying to quit.  And he did quit smoking for 4 years.  Then our lives became stressful, and the occasional cigar, turned into the daily cigar, which turned into the multiple cigars a day.  Well if you don’t know it cigars are EXPENSIVE.  So I called Kevin out on it.  Said admit it, you are a smoker and just buy cigarettes and be done with it.  Kevin was officially a smoker again. I hated the smell and the cost, but what was I going to do about it.  It is an addiction and I love Kevin.

When Kevin’s RSD kicked in, the smoking started to involve me more.  Now I was the one that had to go on cigarette runs, because he couldn’t.   He has enough going on, I can’t deny him cigarettes too.  Well just because Kevin is in chronic pain doesn’t negate the fact that I hate the smoking.  I hate the smell, I hate the cost, now I hate having to run and get them and I hate how unhealthy they are for him, me and Lincoln.

Kevin has tried several times to quit, but when you are dealing with chronic pain, adding the stress to the body of quitting nicotine, just adds to it.  Again, just because of Kevin’s RSD, doesn’t make it easier for me to accept the smoking.  I still hate it.

Kevin endures a lot of pain daily, but through the pain, manages to get up and walk outside to smoke (I don’t allow smoking in the house).  So this brings up the issue I have with the smoking and Kevin’s RSD.  Kevin struggles with day to day routines, like showering, shaving, cooking meals etc.  So at times it is difficult for me to understand how someone who cannot do these day to day things, can manage to get up and walk outside to smoke. I try to look at the bright side of the smoking and that it does get him up and walking every so often.  But it still bothers me, how the need for smoking can do that, but the need to eat doesn’t.  So I explain it away that it must be the addiction.

I hate smoking.  I hate the cost.  I hate the smell.  I hate what it does to the body and I hate that it has now become something that has me confused and questioning why and how Kevin smokes.

Caught in the Middle

I am caught in the middle.  The middle between a mother and her son.  I love my mother in law.  Kevin’s mom has been a Godsend to us.  Caring for Lincoln while I work, buying food and diapers, giving us money to keep us afloat.  She is an amazing friend and confidant.  Nobody else really truly understands what is it is like living with and caring for Kevin but me and her.  However, we are two different people from two different worlds.  She is Kevin’s mom, I am Kevin’s wife.  Different roles, different lives, different mindsets.  Kevin’s disability affects us differently because of that.  It took me a long time to understand and except Kevin’s disability and what he needs or wants from me.  I still screw up and make mistakes, but I am still learning.  There is no cure for RSD.  I have accepted Kevin is and will always be disabled.  But we need to move on and “learn to walk” again.  Maybe I have come to terms with that easier than Kevin’s mom because it is a necessity for me.  It doesn’t do Kevin or Lincoln any good to ignore the disability or think this will all go away some day.  This is our life now.  We will make the most of it.  You might think I am strange to say this, but I feel we are blessed that God chose us to have this happen to.  He must have chosen us for a reason.  We have already reaped benefits and blessings from it.  The love and support from friends and family is overwhelming.  Can’t look at what has been lost; have to look at what has been gained.  There is still more to gain.  My wish is that Kevin and his mom can work together, understand each other better, and be there for each other.  They love each other that are obvious.  But the hurt and sadness between them needs to go away.  I know it kills her to see her son in pain.  I couldn’t imagine seeing Lincoln suffer like she sees her son suffer.  We are all dealing with this RSD in our own ways.  And there isn’t a wrong or right way.  We just all need to support each other.

Memory Loss

One of the frustrating things with Kevin’s RSD is his memory loss.  He can ask the same question over and over or tell the same story over and over.  That I can deal with, it is the forgetting to tell me something, or forgetting to do something that makes things frustrating for me.  There are so many doctor appointments to keep track of, so many doctor bills, and so much paperwork for his disability claims.  So many phone calls he receives that I am not privy to from doctors, lawyers, VFW, DHS.  I am on the sidelines with no clue at times what is going on in the game.  I want to help, but am frustrated I can’t.  I work all day and can’t sift through mounds of paperwork for him from my desk 15 miles from home.  I know he is at home struggling and I just want to help him. 

Learning to walk

While watching Avatar a friend said, ‘after living in the Avatar world, how could you walk in the normal world’.  I thought about it and realized I am case in point that you can walk again after living in another world. 

When I met my husband Kevin 5-1/2 years ago, he was fit, active, full of life, going to school for his BA in Psychology.  Our dates consisted of trips to Chicago to just walk around downtown and to go through the museums, bars to hear bands, ball room dance lessons, movies, diners out, ren faires.  We both joined the gym and Kevin was my trainer, my motivator telling me “NEVER SAY CAN’T…DON’T GIVE IN…DON’T GIVE UP”   We got married and we were set, both working, Kevin going to school for his MBA.

Things got sidelined when Kevin had a shoulder injury that required two surgeries and physical therapy.  It was a worker’s comp claim.  And his employer made him pay for making the claim and let him go.  We were fine.  We still had our entire lives ahead of us.  We got through it.  Kevin got another job.  We decided to have a baby.  Things couldn’t be better for us.  Happy, healthy with a baby on the way.  Then the economic downturn comes and Kevin loses his job.

Lincoln Wendell Shear was born on 2/6/08. Our baby made our lives that more happy regardless of the loss of income.  We pushed through.  .  Beautiful baby boy, bringing more joy and love into our lives.  Due to the cost of daycare, Kevin decided to pursue a degree in guitar.  Taking on line courses.  We hoped this would turn into an at home business where he would become a guitar instructor doing lessons.  He could care for Lincoln during the day and do lessons after I got off work.  It was going great.  He had over 20 students.

Then in September of 2009 it hit, his RSD.  Our lives were changed forever.  Kevin was originally diagnosed with RSD in 2001 while he was in the Marine Corp.  Service related injury from combat training.  He was treated at that time with sympathetic nerve blocks and was told he was “cured”.  Little did we know he was in remission.  Actually, I didn’t know about the RSD at all.  To Kevin, he didn’t even think of it, because he thought he was “cured”.  I was clueless to what RSD was and Kevin didn’t have a clue of what hell he would be going through.  The hell began.  The pain and suffering that Kevin still endures daily.  His mom was our savior, stepping in to care for Lincoln and Kevin so I could still work.

Because Kevin’s injury is service related his treatment has to be out of a VA hospital.  We started out at North Chicago because we live in the Chicago area and that is the closest one to us.  That was a complete nightmare for us.  The total mistreatment of Kevin.  The panic that would take over us every time we drove into that parking lot.  Kevin’s depression.  It was pure hell.  Lucky or unlucky for us (however you want to look at it), the North Chicago VA mishandled Kevin’s case and through our local congressman we were able to get Kevin released from medical treatment at North Chicago and transferred to the Milwaukee WI VA.  Come to find out later, that this is rarely allowed.  So that is where the luck comes in.  The Milwaukee WI VA system is like night and day to North Chicago .  The medical treatment is amazing there.  Kevin actually has a team of doctors working together.  Though we rejoice in the fact we have this great team of doctors, it still doesn’t help Kevin with his pain and suffering from his RSD.

Kevin can no longer drive, no longer dance, no longer take vacations, or long drives, no longer walk, no longer play with his son.  Has a 15 minute window before intense pain sets in to sit with us at the dinner table.  Has limited play time on his guitar before pain sets in.  He had to give up all his guitar students.  And in 2 months we will be giving up our home as well because Social Security and the VA have both denied Kevin’s disability claim twice.  So you could say we lived an Avatar world before Kevin’s RSD kicked in and now we are learning to “walk” again.  It can be done, because like Kevin used to say at the gym “NEVER SAY CAN’T…DON’T GIVE IN…DON’T GIVE UP”. 

Our relationship is stronger than ever.  When you have everything else stripped away and it is just the two of you, you realize the love and commitment and support that there is beneath all of that stuff.