Guilt

Why does everything I do or get make me feel guilty?

This weekend I am going back to my hometown of Dubuque Iowa to spend time with family and friends and I feel guilty for leaving Kevin home alone.  I wish he could come too, but know the trip, which is a short 2-1/2 hrs away, would be a killer for him.  Then, I feel guilty that I am relieved he isn’t going, because I don’t have to worry about him or make sure he is comfortable at my mom’s (which is impossible on her furniture even for a healthy pain free person) or entertained there (my family can be boring, we are content just sitting in the same room not saying anything to each other).  I mention my guilt to friends and they tell me I am crazy to feel guilty, because I “deserve the break”.  Then I feel guilty that I CAN get a break and Kevin can’t because of his RSD.  Guilt, guilt, guilt. Ugh.

Then there is the issue of Kevin’s daughter and his visitation with her.  I feel guilty that I am unwilling to make the trek to Chicago every other weekend to get her since Kevin can’t.  People tell me “you shouldn’t have to”, “not your responsibility”.  But that doesn’t make me feel better.  I still feel guilty.  I feel bad that Lincoln doesn’t get to spend more time with “his Ashlynn” or Kevin spend more time with his daughter.  That I am responsible for that.  But I do have my hands full.  I work full time during the day, come home to a rambunctious 3 year old and a disabled husband with RSD and my next “job” of wife and mother kicks in.  My weekends are my time to spend with Lincoln and Kevin and do laundry and shop and clean and rest and relax, go to church with my sister and her kids.  I don’t want to spend the better part of my weekend training it back and forth to Chicago.  Not to mention having to deal with or have interaction with Kevin’s ex-wife or her husband in the process.  Kevin doesn’t want to deal with them, why would I.  But still feel guilty that Ashlynn can’t visit more often.

Even a birthday gift that Kevin’s mom bought me, made me feel guilty.  I felt bad that I even mentioned I wanted it when I saw it in the Sunday sales ad and when the on line purchase would cost more than buying it in the store, felt bad that Kevin’s mom had to go out in the cold, with a nasty cold/flu to get it for me.  I couldn’t even enjoy someone buying me something.  There is something seriously wrong with me.

There was a subject brought up on facebook about being “broke” but still having money to buy cigarettes and other luxuries.  I have been “broke” for so long, it struck a nerve with me.  Because I have bought cigarettes for Kevin and have bought books and toys for Lincoln.  It seems like when you are broke you are scrutinized for every little thing you buy or do.  That you don’t need it.  That you shouldn’t treat yourself or anyone.  Because I have been broke forever, I feel guilty every time I buy something.  Why should I feel guilt and someone with money not?  It is OK for them to buy things not needed, but not me.

Same goes for my guilt over Kevin and everything else I feel guilty about.  Why because I have had so much taken away, and have so little, why when I get something or do anything that would make any other normal person feel good, I feel guilty.  I want my child to understand Need VS Want, but I don’t want him to feel guilt all the time like I do.  I want him to enjoy life and everything that is given to him and every opportunity he gets.