Have you had suicidal thoughts? "No..but the last couple of days I have been thinking, I have had enough". That is the conversation I overheard last night in the emergency room between the doctor and my husband. And it rocked me. I lost it. Tears welling up, I turn away so no one can see me cry.
It was supposed to be just a doctor appt in Milwaukee to re-evaluate Kevin's pain meds. Instead it became a 6 hour emergency room event. Kevin had thrown up, lost bladder control and was blacking out on the way to Milwaukee, so calls to the doctors and we were told go directly to the ER. They were scrambling when we got there trying to find a place to put Kevin, trying to do something to help him before a doctor was available to prescribe something for the pain. We were put in a supply room. So there were people coming and going in the room for supplies. All looking at Kevin and giving that look of pity and saying "I will see how they are coming with those pain meds". It is hard to watch your loved one suffer like that. He was clenching his teeth so hard he chipped a tooth.
Finally the pain meds came. His spasming leg subsided, his hands which were fists and his clenched jaw relaxed. Ahh relief. They were talking about admitting into the hospital. We just wanted to go home. So two hours go by, "how are you doing?" the nurse asks. Kevin says "the pain is starting to get uncomfortable". Off the nurse goes, comes back with a syringe and plunges it into his IV. "I will check on you later". Another hour goes by and same thing. We just want to go home. Finally they give the OK for us to leave. A feeling of relief comes over me. Then a feeling of worry. Maybe he should have stayed. What if something happens on the 1-1/2 hour drive home.
I was getting so tense driving home. My neck and back were killing me. The headache settles in. I end up waking up with the same, so decide to call off work to decompress. It is helping me mentally to be home with Kevin today. He is doing much better than yesterday. Relaxed as he can be in pain all day.
What a wild ride yesterday was. To feel so helpless and scared. Relying on people you don't even know anything about to take care of your loved one. I am just relieved we are home, safe and sound.
I'm sorry to hear this....I know where you are coming from. We have made MULTIPLE visits to ER's over the months and years and it can get very frustrating, especially when the doctors don't understand RSD and they think you are just trying to get pain meds. I'm glad he is having a better day....God Bless you both..
ReplyDeleteOur last experience was horrible, he was in so much pain that he was asked the same above question and we both responded that he didn't know how much more he could take, and next thing we knew the ER doctor had Baker Acted him, meaning they had to transport him to a psychiatric facility where they let him sit for 72 hours with no pain meds. :(
ReplyDeleteKeri, those bastard doctors - no reason to even get a psych eval let alone admit him. Short of actually trying to or saying "I want to kill myself" they aren't allowed to up and do that.
ReplyDeleteI've been asked countless times about suicide and I always answer the same way. "not today. Not right now." it's honest and they cannot commit me. I also have long frown tired of being accused of trying to simply get drugs. At this point I am probably an addict but what is it really when there is only the one way to control the pain?
All I can say about Kevin is that my heart breaks for him. I've been there, I can only imagine how the experience is affecting you. I'll call him tomorrow sometime.
Sending love, prayers and tomorrow a book of my dirty poetry.
ReplyDelete