Birthdays - Are they just another day, marking just another year went by?

When birthdays roll around I think in years.  How old was I when I did that?  How many years ago did I hear that song?  How many years has it been since I have done that?

My birthday is coming up this Tuesday I am thinking once again in years.

For 38 years I didn’t have a care in the world but myself.  Then I met Kevin, got married, became a step mom (which including dealing with Kevin’s ex-wife), to becoming a mother to my own child Lincoln.  Then I became the wife of a disabled husband, to losing our home and living with Kevin’s mom all in six short years.  I don’t catch my breath from one thing happening before another thing does.  I am struggling with all the life changes.  I am not even accustom to one change and another one comes along.  Maybe it is a mid life crisis, I will be turning 44 on Tuesday, or just overwhelming stress lately, but I am really having a difficult time dealing.  So much so, that I think I need some professional help to get through it all.  My once a month glass of wine has gone to a bottle a week.  Just this past Wednesday, I was so agitated and felt like I was going to jump out of my skin, that I had thoughts of just bailing, running away.  I squashed those thoughts by looking at Lincoln playing with his Legos and Kevin writing in his journal which made realized how lucky I am to have them and there is no way I was going anywhere.

Sometimes you can handle all that is thrown at you and other times you can’t.  Maybe because work has been extremely stressful this week, that it has carried over into my home life.  Threats of state budget cuts to human services means turmoil at work, since I work for a human service company.

Then there is the stress of Kevin’s SSDI hearing on Thursday.  That worry that it will not go our way, even though our lawyer says it will.  If it doesn’t, it means just that much longer we have to live with Kevin’s mom.  I hate that thought.  I am miserable there.  I spend my evenings trying to keep Lincoln from bothering Kevin’s mom and her husband.  So I can never relax.  How can you keep a grandson from his grandmother, whom he can run to all day long?  Lincoln can’t switch it off when mom gets home.  Not to mention “sexy time” is non-existent.   Kevin blogged about his frustrations this week in The Rant Post: From the Shadows Link: http://therant-kmshear.blogspot.com/2011/02/from-shadows.html and I totally concur with it all so I am not going to rehash it here.

My birthday.  Just another day.  I don’t think so.  It is a very special day to me.  My special day.  I want some kind of fanfare over it.  No matter how small.  With Kevin and his RSD, you can’t plan anything.  You just don’t know how he will feel that day.  Though I WILL be going out on my birthday this year.  Kevin’s mom planned a bible study group at her house that night.  Yes I was welcomed to join, but not interested.  So I either hole up in the bedroom or I spend the evening out of the house.

Speaking of Kevin, today he had an appt with his primary care and he will be coming home with all new meds.  Hoping this cocktail will give him some relief no matter how short lived it may be.

Back to the question, how many years ago did I hear that song?  I heard Alanis Morissette’s song “Hand In My Pocket” this week and it conjured up all these memories, but it also made me listen to the lyrics differently, because I am in a different place today then I was when the song first came out.

“Hand In My Pocket"

I'm broke but I'm happy
I'm poor but I'm kind
I'm short but I'm healthy, yeah
I'm high but I'm grounded
I'm sane but I'm overwhelmed
I'm lost but I'm hopeful baby
What it all comes down to
Is that everything's gonna be fine fine fine
'cause I've got one hand in my pocket
And the other one is giving a high five
I feel drunk but I'm sober
I'm young and I'm underpaid
I'm tired but I'm working, yeah
I care but I'm restless
I'm here but I'm really gone
I'm wrong and I'm sorry baby

What it all comes down to
Is that everything's gonna be quite alright
'cause I've got one hand in my pocket
And the other one is flicking a cigarette
And what it all comes down to
Is that I haven't got it all figured out just yet
'cause I've got one hand in my pocket
And the other one is giving the peace sign
I'm free but I'm focused
I'm green but I'm wise
I'm hard but I'm friendly baby
I'm sad but I'm laughing
I'm brave but I'm chickenshit
I'm sick but I'm pretty baby

And what it all boils down to
Is that no one's really got it figured out just yet
'cause I've got one hand in my pocket
And the other one is playing the piano
And what it all comes down to my friends
Is that everything's just fine fine fine
'cause I've got one hand in my pocket
And the other one is hailing a taxi cab